


Two Boys On A Roof

by The_Inebriated_Literary_Virtuoso



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angsty Merlin, Cute Kids, Friends meeting friends, Hospitals, M/M, Magical Boys, Multi, Near Death Experiences, Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Strangers to Lovers, Will and Gwaine think Merlin is lying about the boy on the roof, angsty arthur needs to chill, au where magic is considered normal in the 21st century, boys on a roof, looking at the stars, sarcastic Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-03
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-01-14 10:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1263661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Inebriated_Literary_Virtuoso/pseuds/The_Inebriated_Literary_Virtuoso
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, to get away from his parents' fighting, Arthur slips into the roof outside his window. It's almost conjoined with the neighbouring house's roof. He meets a boy he can't stand.<br/>On the same night Merlin goes out to the roof to avoid all his responsibilities and get away from the cramped room he feels trapped in. </p><p>Two boys sitting on the roof, romantic right? Not when one thinks the other is a pompous prat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Escape To The Roof

**Author's Note:**

> I did this because of a tumblr post that asked for something like this. So now I am writing it and I hope you enjoy.

Merlin never felt like Ealdor was the place for him. It was a city, of course, and Merlin loved cities, but it just felt like this particular city wasn't where he was meant to be. Merlin lived a flat with his mother and, at the age of sixteen, had never felt so completely at a loss about his direction in anything. His mother, Hunith, called him her Lost Boy. She told him that one day he would figure out what he was meant to do and when he did she would make sure he went out and did it. But that was just the problem for him; he was _good_ at so many things, his friends had even said so, but he was never _great_ at things. He wanted something that filled him with unbridled passion but also looked like he had been doing it for years. The only thing Merlin truly felt as though he had was Magic. He had been born with magic, something his mother had been slightly worried about. But as the years progressed she was happy to find that he was great at it, he was a natural. And that was where Gaius came in.  
Hunith had hired a private tutor for Merlin when she realized on his fourth birthday that his powers might have been beyond his control. She also sought to give him a sort of mentor; someone who could guide him when her words fell on deaf ears. So now, twelve years later and Gaius treated Merlin like a son and a friend and Merlin had a miniscule semblance of what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. There was so much pressure from both Gaius and his mother to be great that he felt as though he would not meet up to their expectations. He wanted to study Magic at Uni. With the growing population of sorcerers they had opened up a department in Uni specifically for sorcerers and Gaius had been adamant that Merlin look into it.  
But this is where the problem lied. Merlin knew he was destined for great things, no other sorcerer he had met had been born, so he knew this was a different case. But Merlin felt trapped by this. trapped by the knowing that one day he was supposed to do great things and if he didn't the world might come crumbling down. Merlin had decidedly chosen to think that destinies were bollocks. But of all the things that made his life miserable and unbearable, his friends made everything less so. Will, who had been his friend since they were in diapers, always asked Merlin to show him funny tricks with his magic. This, to Merlin, was Will's way of getting Merlin to notice all the good things about the precious gift he had been given; something Merlin was vastly grateful for. Gwaine was always making sure Merlin had good reason to use his magic. This meant that every time Gwaine broke his toes, or arms, or nose, or leg, playing footie or rugby he would send for Merlin to help him. This made Merlin feel useful in turn and Merlin appreciated that his friends tried their best to make him never forget that. Guinevere always gave him soft praise when she asked him about a spell he had been having difficulty with that he finally mastered. His friends chose to accentuate the best parts of something he believed to be a curse. These things helped for Merlin so that he never forgot how lucky he was to have it, even if it was a bit of a pain on his bad days. On his bad days Merlin liked to shut himself away in his room. He would sulk and wallow in self-pity for a bit and then his feelings would be back to normal. That was always his pattern and his friends understood that. Most days he could feel it coming on and so he told his friends and apologized and they understood and let him have the time to himself. Three days ago, however; Merlin did not return back to normal, because he couldn't. Gaius had told him of a book he found, an ancient scripture that told of sorcerers who had been destined to be born to protect their soulmates. Merlin heard the words on the other end of the receiver and dropped the phone. He was doomed to a life of a servant. He was in the 21st century and he was doomed to act as someone's guard dog. His stomach dropped and he felt something uneasy settle inside of him. He felt angry, and sad, and hopeless. Being told that he had no choice in the matter of who he chose to love was the final straw. He ran to his room and was where he currently stayed, deciding that if he did not leave his room then someone else could fulfill his destiny for him. He knew it was a hopeless case but decided that he would foolishly, if only for a little while, trick himself into believing that he could avoid it. He came out three days later and was absolutely famished. His mother was at his side immediately. She gave him tea and some soup and sat him at the small dining room table. She sat across from him.  
"Would you like to talk about it?"  
Merlin's eyes were red, as though he had been crying. "What is there to talk about? I'm doomed."  
Of course he knew he was being melodramatic but he had the right to be when his whole life had just been planned without anyone ever thinking that that was not what he wanted. Hunith put a soft hand over his tightly balled up fist as it rested on the table. "You are not doomed I am sure of that, being the brilliant boy you are, you will make the best out of a bad situation."  
Merlin looked up at her in panic. "What if I don't even like them?! What if they're a stubborn, posh prat?! Mum, I can't do this!"  
She looked at him with a face so calm it could sooth a hurricane. "You can, and you have Gaius and I by your side, and many of your friends are willing to help you."  
Merlin slumped back in his seat. "Have any of them come by?"  
She nodded softly. "Yes, Guinevere and Will came by the past three days and Gwaine only stopped by yesterday to see if you had left your room."  
"Can I have them over today?" He asked, in a tired tone.  
She nodded softly again.  
Once Will, Gwaine, and Guinevere were sat in his room they all stared at him expectantly. When he didn't move or say anything Gwaine slapped him in the knee. "Well then mate? What's gone wrong?"  
Merlin looked down at his hands. "You lot know how I was born this way, right?"  
They all nodded.  
"Well, Gaius, my mentor, told me that when sorcerers are born they are born to protect their soulmates. The problem being; we don't get told who they are, when we'll meet them or what they're like. We just have to know."  
Gwaine whistled. "That's a bit heavy, isn't it?"  
Guinevere held his hand and looked at him with sympathy. "I'm so sorry, Merlin."  
Will finally spoke up. "Wait, so it's not one of us?"  
Merlin nodded. "No. He says that it feels like a strong, inevitable pull to that person. I don't feel that with any of you."  
Gwaine laughed. "And thank goodness for that! Sorry Merlin but you aren't my type."  
Merlin snorted. "Yeah right, you wish, you git."  
They all smiled softly and Will looked at Merlin sadly. "So what are you going to do then, mate?"  
Merlin sighed sadly. They could all tell that with Merlin's free and wild spirit being told you were tied down to one person was not what he wanted to hear. They knew that this must have felt like a prison sentence to him. "Wait, I suppose. Wait and train to protect them, whomever they are."

 

That night Merlin when out onto the roof to get away from the cramped space he had been in for the last week. He was sitting on his roof and noticed it was almost conjoined with the house across from him. He looked into some of the windows and found what looked like a man and woman arguing and waving their hands wildly at each other. In the window straight across from him sat a boy at a desk and the desk must have been facing the window because the boy, or young man seeing as how he looked about Merlin's age, was facing him as well. He looked like he was trying very hard to ignore the fighting and not doing a very good job of it. When the boy, young _attractive_ man, looked up Merlin waved and smiled sympathetically. The boy pulled his curtains shut. Merlin huffed. Prat.


	2. Arthur Pendragon and The Problem With Moving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We see how and why Arthur hates Ealdor. And we see how he feels about Merlin.

Arthur had never asked for a lot of things.

On his tenth birthday Uther had gotten Arthur a pony and polo outfit. His father expected him to withhold the family honour in Equestrian sports and had said that only fine men of wealth and stature played the sports. Arthur had just shrugged and accepted his word. Arthur always accepted his word. Yet, even at the age of ten, Arthur wondered if what Uther was instilling was right. Uther had been a fine leader, leading his multimillion dollar corporation to soaring heights, but raising children was not the same as owning a business and Arthur, even now, was sure that Uther Pendragon had no idea how to separate the two. He feared Uther never would. But on his tenth birthday Uther informed him that he was to train until he was fit to enter into competitions. He had never asked for this, yet he did it.  
When he was twelve Uther told him that he would be going to a prepatory school for the rest of his schooling so that he may learn how to manage the family business. He said that making Arthur into a fine scholar and finer businessman was the key to keeping their legacy going for years to come. Once more Uther treated him like a business deal, like a business or nothing more than an advantage he had up his sleeve. Yet Arthur had complied, he always complied. He had chosen to go along with this because he had nothing but the love of his father. He had been in school and had a few friends but very rarely did he ever have a friend who wanted to be his friend simply for the act of kindness; Arthur made no mistake in knowing that people only liked him and liked his father simply because they were rich and owned a business that controlled many facets in many industries throughout England. And so with his friends being more shallow than the pond behind the lavish mansion Arthur lived in, he knew that the only he thing he had besides being an excellent sportsman and scholar was the very unattainable love of his distant father. So Arthur complied with his wishes, because Arthur felt that he needed to. He had never asked for this.  
When Arthur realized he was gay he kept it to himself for six months. Although his father was constantly away in Ealdor while he stayed in London Arthur knew that his father would immediately take action to prevent this from bringing down their family line. So Arthur never said anything, he would just silently wank off to a magazine he had stolen from Morgana's room with many shirtless attractive men on the inside. He always felt ashamed for some reason, afterwards. It was never because of the wanking, but because of the fact that it was men. Arthur knew in his heart of hearts that should he ever choose to tell his father about this it would disappoint him and Arthur couldn't disappoint his father, sexuality be damned. He could not, however, hide it from Morgana.

One night, while they were both sitting at dinner, served by Morgana because she refused to have the workers of their mansion lift a finger when she was very capable, when Morgana smirked at him.  
"One of my model magazines has gone missing." She said slyly.  
He looked up, trying very hard not to betray anything in his features. He gulped down the chicken he had been eating. "Is that so?"  
She nodded slowly. "Yes, I had intended to read it last night after relaxing from a terrible amount of homework, but it was nowhere to be seen!"  
He nodded. "Perhaps it was one of the young maids. They might have taken a fancy to it."  
Morgana offered a small smile. "Perhaps. Perhaps. _You_ wouldn't happen to know who might have taken it, would you?"  
He shoved more food in his mouth, lest his tongue betray him. He nodded.  
She finally gave up torturing him by raising the magazine as it was hidden in her lap. She laughed as he choked on the food he was trying to swallow. "Oh how I do love toying with you, Arthur."  
He frowned. "You're not going to tell Father, are you?"  
She seemed truly taken aback by this. "And why would I do that?"  
He shrugged.  
She put a hand over his; her hands were soft, just like their mother's had been. "I'm not going to say anything to Uther, Arthur."  
Unlike Arthur Morgana felt that she had her own sense of independence that could not be held back from the confines of Uther's expectations. Uther had learned this early on and while he was not happy to discover that this held true he decided that fighting her took too much time he did not have and had left her alone as she was. Arthur loved that about her. "Thank you."  
Morgana patted his shoulder. "Don't mention it, brother dear. But may I ask something?"  
He went back to eating albeit nervously and nodded.  
She looked at him with eyes that examined him carefully. "When exactly did you figure out you were gay?"  
He swallowed. "Um. . . About  six months."  
She leaned forward, interest obvious in her eyes. "And how did it happen?"  
Arthur worried at this point because although Morgana had never been the gossiping type he felt she was far too enraptured for it to be natural. He just shrugged, feeling the intensity of her gaze as it made him more uncomfortable. "I just. . . Saw a boy one day in the hall at school and realized I was far more attracted to him than any other girl in our form."  
Morgana nodded. "Interesting. Is there anything I may do for you?"  
Arthur nodded. "I don't think so."  
  
Try as he may have to keep Uther from finding out about his _condition_ Uther discovered it anyway. It was a month ago and he got home from school to find his father sitting in the large living room next to Morgana.  It was the first time he had seen his father in over two months. But there he was, sitting right next to Morgana and they both looked livid; Uther's enraged eyes were directed at him and the flames that flickered in Morgana's eyes were scorching into the side of Uther's head.  
He gulped. "Hello, Father."  
Uther stood up, wasting no time getting to the point; ever the business man. "It has come to my attention by several mothers of your classmates that you were seen kissing a young man on school premises by the name of Thomas Everon. What do you have to say for this?"  
Arthur looked at Morgana. She frowned and shrugged. Then she hadn't said anything at all to give away anything. Arthur looked at his father. The man had furrowed eyebrows and a stern set lip. His face spoke of disdain, regret, and most of all, disappointment. Arthur knew that now was no time for honesty, so he did something he had become much too comfortable doing with his father. Lie. "Nothing, Father."  
Uther looked even more enraged. "Do you deny it or affirm it?"  
"Affirm."  
The look of rage and disdain washed from Uther's face and was replaced with a stern, cold glare. "Very well. It seems that I had lapsed in my judgement to think that letting you children stay in this city was a good idea. You will be moving to Ealdor with me and the moving plans shall be activated immediately."  
Arthur frowned. "Father, you can't! This is-"  
"A Mistake, I am sure. Otherwise you would not have been running around, fulfilling your boyish childlike fantasies." Uther finished with a sharp tongue.  
Arthur bowed his head. "Yes, Father."  
That was how he ended up sitting at a desk in a house he hated, listening to his father yell at his new girlfriend while Arthur tried to block them out and try not to think about the cute boy with blue eyes who smiled at him. He had never asked for it.

But it was exactly what he got.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Arthur meets Merlin in the prepatory school they both attend. Merlin is put out with all the attention that the new Billion Dollar Baby is getting. The Billion Dollar Baby turns out to be his neighbour. His very attractive albeit rude neighbour.


	3. Rumors of Billion Dollar Boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Serendipity works against Merlin and Arthur, but Merlin hears about the Billion Dollar Baby. Merlin finally accepts his fate and duty.

The first day that Merlin went back to school after finding out about the mess with his prophecy he was not in the mood for bullshit. The usually comforting lull of gossiping teenage girls and obnoxious boys and oblivious girls was now a bothersome feature in his environment. He was irrate, constantly in edge, and snappish for everything. He tried not to be so with his friends and tried to reign in his frustration and irritation. But he found it difficult. He had so much to think about, such a heavy burden, and his friends were all busy worrying about classes and mates and who fancied who. It was completely unfair that with one phone call the magic he had been given and considered a privilege was now a suffocating curse. This, however, was not soothed when he began hearing rumors of the Billion Dollar Baby.   
The BDB was a boy, Gwen had whispered to him in their maths class, and had just been transferred into their form. She also giggled when she told him that the boy had been transferred when his father found out he was gay. Gwen giggled and told him he might want to get on that. He just huffed and stomped away, he didn't need this. He had a soul to protect and he would, even if he hated the definite fate of his life, protect them with all his life. He didn't have the time for those irritating schoolboy fancies.  


All over school that day there was talk of the boy, the boy who Merlin did not know the name of and, for all intents and purposes, didn't want to get to know the name of. Throughout his classes there were no new faces so he just assumed that whoever it was that had arrived in Ealdor was not to be introduced to him yet. He didn't mind so much. The idea of having some selfish, annoying git in his lessons were just going to add to his growing displeasure of school. He was, however, glad to find that throughout the day he had not once seen a new face and when he went home for the day his life had been blissfully uneventful.   
When he went home he was greeted by his mother. She wore an anxious smile as she walked up to him. "How was it?"  
He shrugged. "It's was fine. Nothing special."  
She embraced him and suddenly Merlin's shoulders slumped, free of the tension and unease he had been carrying around all day. "You'll tell me if anything happens, right?" She asked in a worried tone.  
He nuzzled into the crevice of her neck and shoulder and sighed. "Of course."  
She pulled away and smiled. "I am proud of you. You did good today. I know this wasn't easy for you what with everything that is going on."  
Merlin looked at her. "I'll be okay, mum. We'll both be okay. I'm just worried. . ." He trailed off.  
Hunith furrowed her eyebrows. "What's wrong?"  
Merlin looked down at his sneakers. "I. . . I sensed something today."  
Hunith looked at him in shock. "That quickly?"  
Merlin nodded. She nodded to him. "Very well. I'll talk to Gaius. See what he has to say on this matter."  
Merlin nodded and headed up to his room. Once inside of his room he spent some time doing his homework and before he knew it it was dark outside. He wasn't hungry so he went outside to the roof. In vain Merlin hoped that he'd see the boy with bright pale blue eyes. As he was sitting there he looked up at the sky. Although Ealdor was just a tiny ways smaller than London, here in Ealdor the sorcerers that went to the university in the city had enchanted the night sky so that light pollution did not affect their large city. That was the thing that made Merlin stay in Ealdor. He knew that no matter where he went or who he was with he'd always miss the stars shining above him. They showed him whole galaxies and clusters of stars billions of years away in places he'd never go to. But to know that they existed was enough for Merlin, to know that out of the millions of people on Earth, there were still other places that felt they were alone as well. The stars related to Merlin that, in a big picture they were all very bright and beautiful, but alone they were balls of gas; nothing special to behold. He figured he was like a single star, burning brightly but too big and dull to behold. He was laying on his back looking at the clusters when his mother showed up at his window and joined him. They didn't say anything for a while, only the sound of soft breathing hung in the warm night air between them. Hunith had a small smile in her lips.  
When she finally spoke she was still staring at the stars, and her voice was as soft as when Merlin was a child and she lulled him to sleep. "He's going to be fantastic, you know?" She looked at him and he looked back with scared eyes. "He's going to be perfect, and you're going to be scared because you didn't know a single person could be so utterly amazing. And you'll be scared because of the fear of rejection and you will be scared of depending on someone because they fit you so perfectly. You will be scared and it will be absolutely breath-taking."  
Merlin looked at her. His worries suddenly shown plainly on his face. "What if it isn't? What if it isn't all that you and Gaius tell me it is?"  
His mother heard the unspoken questions in his voice. _Will I be good enough? What if I'm not? What if they never come to me?_ She spoke only reassurances. "It will be," she looked up at the bursting stars and at the universe that had created a boy so wonderful she had been blessed to call him her son, "It will be."  
He looked up at the stars with her. "Why can't it ever be simple?"  
"Life rarely ever is, my dear."  
Merlin crossed his arms and scooted closer to his mother. In the silence he found it much easier to voice his insecurities. "Do you think they'll like me?"  
Hunith kissed him on the forehead and smiled into his hair. "He'd be a fool not to."  
And they both turned to look at the stars once more; clusters in the universes far away, but still shining even long after their time to burn out. Merlin looked at the stars and wished the universe would work in his favour. He wished that soon, very soon, he'd meet the person he had been born to protect.  


That day it became less of a curse, more of a gift, and definitely a duty he wished to follow through until the end.


	4. The Boy On The Roof

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We finally get to see how the two boys are with each other. While both boys feel strongly about one another at first. . . it's not the way anyone was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, guys. I have been very busy with my courses and crying over hard things, but don't worry. I'll make it up to you guys soon.

Arthur and Morgana got home from school and decided that today, on the second day of school, it would be best that they not keep each other's company. Morgana left to the entertainment room in their miniscule apartment to talk to old friends and text her new ones while Arthur sulked off to his room. He hadn't bothered to make new friends on his first day. He was well aware of the stares, and the whispering, and the gossip. And he was all too well aware that by the looks half of the boys in this wretched school gave him that everyone was all too well aware of why he had been sent to this town that was too similar to London but not quite. He was also aware that everyone in the school knew who his father was and how much money he owned. He was more than irritated that he was even being told by his father to try and make friends. He didn't want friends, and, after the fiasco in London, he decided he didn't need them. He made some, of course, but he didn't let them close. He didn't let them know who he was. At school he was Arthur Pendragon, gay young man destined to inherit a fortune. At home, around his father, he was a strong, straight, responsible young man who was excited to inherit the family business. In his room, where he was the most honest with himself, he was Arthur Pendragon, an insecure boy who had no idea how to handle the destiny being forced upon him. He was Arthur Pendragon, a very homosexual young man who enjoyed athletics and art more than business and societal expectations.  
He sat in his room, his small room, his restricting and suffocating room, in a house he hated with a parent who refused to accept him. Arthur looked at the picture of his Mother and Father, both smiling and Arthur didn't need to know what had happened to his father to make him like this. Arthur wondered if, and not for the first time, would his father had come out of this differently if his mother had not been in that accident nine years ago. Arthur wondered what kind of mother she had been like. Seven years had not been enough for him to truly appreciate her or the light she had brought to this family. He put the photo faced down, unable to think about a life he would never have. He sat on the bed for a long time; long enough for the light of midday to give way to the early darkness of the warm night. He didn't come down when he was called for dinner. He didn't move. He felt as though his next move would be planned out for him just like everything  else was. He just stared at the ceiling above and wondered about everything else. There were so many things to wonder about that may or may not have been planned out for him.  
When he was little his mother had told him about a promise she had made. A promise she had made to the universe that one day he would be bound to a sorcerer, who would protect him, and love him, and take very good care of him. She had told him that they would be close, that they would meet and they would fall in love and that it was destined to be. They were meant for each other. Two sides of the same coin, she called them. Arthur, filled with naive childhood dreams asked her who they were, what kind of person they were. She told him that he wasn't allowed to know, and that she'd tell him when he was older. She died three weeks later and Uther ensured that his son never talked about his soulmate. Uther erased those thoughts from his mind, or at least he tried to. In his only act of defiance against Uther Arthur patiently waited for the moment when he would meet this soulmate. This had been the only time that a decision made for him was more reassuring than the uncertainty of the situation. He waited patiently throughout the years and vowed to himself that no matter how many people, men or women, he thought he loved, he would wait until he _knew_ he had met his soulmate.  
Nine years later and his soulmate was yet to be seen. He just waited, and although waiting was not in his nature Arthur knew that waiting for them would be worth it. After a while of thinking of his soulmate, and having a fruitless time of trying to imagine them he walked over to his window. He looked out of his curtains to see that boy from a few days ago who had waved at him. Arthur knew he meant well but he just hadn't been in the mood to deal with more people. He had been a bit rude, if he was being honest, but he had no idea what to do about it. The boy was sitting with an older a woman, quite possibly his mother. They smiled at each other and the boy's mother kissed him on the forehead. Arthur cringed with jealousy at the sight of it.  
When the boy's mother left Arthur slowly came out onto his roof, which was barely touching the roof of the other boy's house. He sat quietly on his roof, looking at the unobstructed stars. Arthur was mesmerized by the view. It was nothing like the smog and light polluted sky of London. It was like the universe was exploding around him and for one moment Arthur looked at the sky and felt good about his position in the world. He felt he was one small contributing piece to an infinite whole.  
"What? Never seen stars before?" Arthur looked at the boy who sat across from him on his own roof. He supposed he deserved that comment, but he decided to continue to be better at talking and ignoring the sneer that accompanied his snide comment.  
"No. No. Nothing like that in London. It's not as beautiful." Arthur tried not to stare at the bright blue eyes of the boy across from him.

Merlin wanted to be mad. He really wanted to be angry at the prat who was sitting across from him but his words and his eyes were too honest. He just couldn't sit there and be angry. He was far too worn out from the things he had been dealing with to be angry.  
"No. You won't find one's like that anywhere." Merlin's voice was guarded, "Because the sorcerers of the University a few blocks away enchanted the sky against light pollution."  
Arthur nodded. "I can see why."  
They sat there, looking at the sky together until Merlin finally cracked. "I'm Merlin by the way."  
Arthur looked at the sky in wonder as he said, "Arthur."He omitted his last name on purpose. He knew what happened when people found out. But Arthur got the feeling that with Merlin, he would not care a single bit.  
Merlin nodded. He began to climb into his window. "Well, nice meeting you, Arthur, but I must go."  
Arthur nodded and looked back at the sky. He saw Merlin close his curtains and turn off his lights and Arthur figured he'd get some sleep.  
Although they had barely said a word to each other Arthur felt that the boy on the roof was far more important than any boy or girl he would ever know at his boring school.


	5. Parties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone in the mood for an update?  
> Also check out Zero's new fic if you're into other fandoms: http://archiveofourown.org/works/1611170/chapters/3432467

The night when everything went to hell was the night that Merlin first got to see Arthur in a tux.  


Merlin got up in the morning, looked out his window, and walked to school on an empty stomach. He walked through his day on autopilot while daydreaming of blonde hair and blue eyes that shined with galaxies in them. He wasn't sure what it was, but something, some force, had pulled Merlin towards him and he was content on just letting himself be pushed along. And for the first time in his life Merlin was content with that. He knew that maybe Arthur would never reciprocate it, but for a month after that night on the roof Merlin would sigh about his destiny on his roof and Arthur would sigh about his father on his.They spoke a few times, when words were needed and stayed silent when they weren't.  
Merlin had told Will and Gwaine about Arthur, but both were skeptical as to whetheror not he was even real. As on the occasions when he triedto show them the boy he was always out or gone. Merlin hadn't minded it at all, like Arthur was his little secret; something only he could have. Which is why, when the lights when out and the blinds were shut he was suddenly faced with a heart-wrenching sadness. He hadn't known what had happened but the last night he saw Arthur had been a blur.  
He had been studying his magic when he heard yelling coming from across from Arthur's room. He moved out his window and leaned forward. He could see Arthur and a tall, cross man yelling at each other but couldn't hear their words. Arthur, even in his anger, look positively mouthwatering in his tux. As he leaned forward he saw Arthur turn away from the man he was yelling at and ran to the window. The man tried to pull him back in by his waist and Merlin lunged forward to help Arthur. Arthur reached out to him, his hand outstretched.  
"Merlin!" He struggled against the man as he tried to pull him back in the house.  
Merlin reached over, his fingertips almost touching. "Arthur, what's going on?"  
Arthur looked distressed and agonized. "I'll come back! I swear I will."  
Merlin didn't understand the good-bye. "Why?! Where are you going?"  
They reached for each other and when Merlin finally gripped Arthur there was a shock of electricity that spread throughout Merlin's body. Arthur escaped the grip of the man and kissed Merlin hard. The world exploded as Merlin felt Arthur kiss him and everything slowed down as Arthur pulled away and mouthed, "I love you." as he was ripped away. Merlin watched him be taken away. He had stared at Arthur's window long after the boy was taken away. His lips felt burned and heart felt torn apart.

 

* * *

 

Arthur had been at the party for ages when his father walked up with one of his co-workers.  
"Ah, Arthur, there you are. I was just telling James here about you."  
Arthur tuned out the conversation while putting himself on autopilot. He only responded when someone said his name again. "I'm sorry, what?"  
The man, James, laughed. "Well I was just saying, you're a very strapping lad, I bet all the girls fall at your feet."  
Uther's grin tightened. "Yes, he's quite the ladies' man."  
For some reason something snapped in Arthur. He was so tired of his father making him something he wasn't. So tired of everything that wasn't him.  
Arthur frowned at his father. "You know that's not true," he turned to the co-worker, "More like the boys."  
As he strode away he knew that he was in trouble.

 

When they got home the slam of the door and Morgana hiding away were the only signals that Arthur was in for a row tonight. He walked to his room wile his father shouted.  
"I will not be made a fool of, Arthur! I understand your boyish rebellion-"  
Arthur spun around, anger inflamed in his lungs. "Is that what you think this is?! A boyish rebellion?! I'm gay, father! GAY! I have _kissed_ other males!"  
Uther slammed his hand on Arthur's desk and for once the boy didn't flinch. "Dammit, Arthur! Your mother would have wanted-"  
"Me to be happy! She always wanted me to be happy! All you've ever seen me as was a pawn! Nothing but a boy to fill your place when you're cold and _dead_!" Arthur fumed, all his anger spilling over.  
Uther stepped forward and gripped him by the wrist as he struggled. "Don't you dare tell me when I have and have not done for this family." He said in a dangerously low tone.  
"It's true! You don't ever want to hear anything that isn't something what you think of as right!"  
Uther gripped him tighter. "No, I won't stand for this. I don't care what's made you so wily but in the morning you will be shipped to Thailand to work with our charities there. Maybe a charity tour will be just what you need."  
Arthur struggled. "You can't do that! I won't go!"  
Uther growled. "I will make you!"  
Arthur was about to respond when he saw Merlin coming out of his own window. His eyes were creased and Arthur felt the last surge of fight in him as he ran out of his window. He called out to Merlin as his father yelled after him.  
"Arthur James Pendragon!"  
Arthur heard nothing, only saw Merlin's wide and worried eyes. "Merlin!" He pleaded, reaching out for him, feeling his father hold him back from getting what he wanted; just like every single other time in his life.  
Merlin reached for him and Arthur finally escaped from his father and surged his body with Merlin's a white-hot kiss. He felt the world open around him and for not the first time he wished he could run away, run away with Merlin, live like Merlin did, with nice people and a nicer home, and everything that his life wasn't.

 

  
  
He was on the plane, his father telling him how long he'd be away and Arthur could only think of ebony hair and pale blue eyes. Five years would be a very long time. He hoped Merlin would wait, would stay close to home. Would forgive him.


	6. Year One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm sorry we haven't been updating regularly, I was busy with school and Zero was occupied and she's also working on the next chapter of our other co-authored fic which you can check out in my works.   
> We're moving to year on in the saga and this is where Merlin tries to stay, Arthur tries to go and Morgana is the magic fairy princess who saves them from themselves.

**_January_ **

 

The  first day that Merlin stared out of the window it hit him with enormous velocity the import of his involvement with Arthur. They had not been friends long, no, merely weeks and in most cases that should not have affected how he felt about the boy leaving, but it did. And Merlin, Merlin knew that this wasn't what was supposed to be happening. Something was off, and he was inclined to question it and try to forget it. He didn't.  
He couldn't. And so he went to school, became quieter, and let himself miss someone he had no right to.  
He tried to forget the feeling on his lips every time he remembered Arthur.

**_February_ **

 

February was the intervention month for Merlin's friends. On the fifth of the month they barged into his room and ordered him to sit up and stop looking at the window. They had been more than worried by his behavior in the last month. When Will noticed the decline on enthusiasm he was worried something had happened and relayed this worried to their other friends.Gwaine affirmed his worries when he said that he noticed at well and Gwen was more concerned by the day.  
They walked into his room after school while he was staring at the window every five minutes while working on some spells.  
Merlin jumped when they entered. "Hey! What the hell?!"  
Gwaine spun him around and looked at him with sharp eyes. "What's going on?"  
Merlin looked around at Will, Gwen, and Gwaine and gulped. "Nothing." He obviously lied.  
"Bollocks." Will said immediately.  
Gwaine looked at Merlin with a furrowed brow, searching for something in his eyes. "What is it? Why are you behaving like this?"  
Merlin looked at them, panicked. "Like what?"  
Gwen stepped closer to him, her eyes were soft. "Merlin, you've been very withdrawn, always sad, and we're worried. We're here because we want to help you."  
Merlin looked at them for a minute. He could trust them, had trusted him since he was small. He was able to. So why was it difficult? Because Arthur was his secret? Because he was scared of what saying it out loud meant? He took a deep breath to level his unease.  
He tried to speak with an easy tone. "It was just difficult. Arthur left so abruptly. His father, I think it was his father, took him away and we had been getting close."  
"Arthur? You mean that boy you talked about? Gwaine asked softly.   
Merlin nodded silently.  
Gwaine gave him a sad smile. "Well, mate, why didn't you say that in the first place? Bad break-ups are always a mess."  
Gwen and Will nodded their agreement. "'M sorry, Merlin." Will said, with a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
Merlin looked at them. He let them comfort him and it felt nice. It felt nice to let his friends pretend they understood.

**_March_ **

 

It was three months after the window incident and Merlin was slowly transitioning out of his funk when Morgana LaFey showed up at his door.  
She was tall, graceful, and beautiful. She was dressed casually, in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a white cotton button up.  
"May I help you?" Merlin asked as he was alone at home that day and had answered the door.   
"Yes, I believe so. Are you Merlin Emrys?" she asked, her tone was formal, but soft and comforting and Merlin found himself at ease with her voice.  
"Yes, that's me."  
Morgana smiled widely at him. "I'm Arthur's sister, Morgana LaFey."  
Merlin stared at her for a moment before she stood stiff. after a couple of months of moving on from the incident he was just getting over it. He knew he had no right to be so affected by the events, but he had been. He had been having sleepless nights and he had just gotten back on track to getting over a passing feeling that could no longer be achieved in reality.  
"What are you doing here?"  
She smiled at him. "I'm here to give you some information and explain a few things."  
Merlin let her in silently and she smiled at she sat in his sofa.  
They sat for a minute before Morgana cleared her throat and spoke. "So I've come to explain my brother's most abrupt leaving of London and explain a few more things."  
Merlin nodded. She continued while looking at him speculatively. "Well you see, my father is a tad homophobic, and. . . After a bit of an incident in London involving another boy my father shipped my brother here. and there had been several incidents before that as well.  He had hoped that my brother would grow out of that in Ealdor. To find out that my brother had not, had taken to being proud of who he was, and even liking someone, well my father has decided that he shall do something a bit different with his life."  
Merlin raised his eyebrows.   
"My brother is to serve in the companies Outsourced Philanthropy.  Meaning that he will be in Thailand and other underdeveloped countries for the next five years. He has asked me to relay a bit of information, an address to sent letters to. He in unable to use technology as my father is wary of his contacting you."  
Merlin looked at her, for a moment everything was slowly coming together. "What is your brother's name?"  
Morgana tilted her head in confusion. "Arthur Pendragon. Why do you ask? I thought you knew that?"  
Merlin let out a small gasp. "I-I almost dated the son of a multimillion dollar corporation."  
Morgana laughed. "It would seem, although my brother is still very keen on courting you."  
"I. . . I have to think about it."  
Morgana put a hand on his knee and smiled. "Take all you want, Merlin. Arthur will surely wait."

 

* * *

 

Arthur began his first week at the Learning and Rec center with Morgana. Uther hadn't cared whether or not Morgana joined him and out of sympathy she had chosen to stay with him for a few months before she went back for school.   
He loved it, if he was being honest. He loved helping the people there with the resources he had that they didn't. He loved watching children gather around him as he read books that he loved and they stared at him, enraptured and fascinated. He loved the sense of belonging and usefulness that came with the work. It felt that slowly, but surely he was changing something, making a difference. He loved that in his life he finally had a purpose and sense of direction. What he didn't like was the fact that Merlin never left his mind. When he worked he imagined Merlin, snarkiness and all, helping him give out rations and teaching the magical children how to use their magic for good. He was so involved that once he was gone he realized that it was much more than he had believed. To him, what had started as nothing more than friendship became comfort, want, longing, and need. He spent his days blissfully distracted and his nights blissfully empty, or at least trying to be.  
Morgan noticed this one day, about two months in and took him to their favourite place on their weekend excursions.   
They sat by the waterfall and the rush of the water sprayed them with a light mist. "You know, Arthur, I've noticed you've been feeling exceptionally down."  
Arthur frowned her. "You would be too, had your father forced you out of the country for being gay."  
She sighed. "That's not what I was talking about, and you know that."  
Arthur gulped. "I don't know what you mean."  
Morgana smirked. "We've been together through very many things. Don't think I don't know when something important is bothering you."  
Arthur sighed. "It's about a young man I know."  
Morgana held up a hand. "Say no more. I have this all under control."  
Arthur sighed, scared and too tired to fight her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Year Two. which means. . . /Drama/.  
> Also if you want to have their letters put in kudos this work and leave a comment. I'm open to suggestions. (:


	7. And If I Feel Like You're Wrong

_**Spring** _

In the beginning of March it rained for two weeks, consecutively. It rained and rained and inside their small flat Merlin sat with friends and watched movie, and went to school, and practiced magic for his exams, and read his letters from Arthur. He had spent more time doing the latter than all others, except maybe school, but even there he read the letters. As the last year closed in, talk of the sudden disappearance of Arthur Pendragon seemed to arise and even Merlin’s friends had not been exempt from that discussion.   
“I’m telling you, it was drugs! I mean, I’ve only ever seen Uther Pendragon, but damn with a dad like that who wouldn’t do drugs?” Gwaine had told Will emphatically.   
“Bullocks! He probably just went to a posh school.” Will reasoned back at him.   
Gwen chose at that moment to interject their ridiculous speculations. “Well, don’t you think it would be helpful to ask someone who knows? I mean Merlin has been writing hi-”   
“What?!” Will screeched. He swiveled towards Merlin, who, with all odds had hoped that his magic might have grown more powerful, was trying to disappear into his chair.   
“Thanks.” He said, as he looked at Gwen.   
She shrugged sheepishly. “I thought you had told them.”   
Gwaine smirked. “No, he bloody well hasn’t told us! Oh, but I knew it. I really should have seen this coming. Especially when he was in that strop around the time that Arthur left.” Will looked at Merlin.   
“How long? With the letters, I mean?”   
Merlin had the good sense to look slightly embarrassed and sheepish. “A year.”   
Will and Gwaine just nodded their heads in disbelief before Gwaine jumped up. “I want to see them. The letters. I want to see the letters.”   
Merlin tried once more to disappear into his chair. “I. . . No, those are private.” Gwen looked at Gwaine with innocent eyes.   
“Please don’t do this, Gwaine. They’ve barely gotten there.”   
Gwaine waggled his eyebrows at Merlin. “Only gotten where?”   
Merlin shot Gwen a look before he nodded persistently. “Nowhere. It’s nothing. We’re just friends.”   
“Mmmm.” Gwaine affirmed, not all convinced.   
Merlin went home that night and went to his closet to see that all of his one hundred plus letters were still there and he was more than relieved to find them at way. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust his friends with the letters, because he trusted them with his own life. But these letters weren’t for anyone else, and Merlin tried to keep it that way. In those letters there was a shared feeling of privacy and comraderie that Merlin had not found in anyone else. It was easy, nice, comforting, and it was all encompassing. Will was too passionate, Gwaine too joking, and Gwen too silent. Arthur, or at least the one in those letters, was kind, and had a firm belief and stance on all things that showed when he sent the letters and talked to Merlin as if he were an old friend. The problem for Merlin was that he was afraid that in some time those letters would not be enough. That they would not keep Arthur or that Merlin himself just could not keep him and Merlin anxiously hoped that would never happen.  
Along with the letters came Morgana. Morgana was slim, fit in the eyes of surely everyone, Merlin thought. She was kind and fierce in a way that Merlin knew that no one questioned. She was strong and she was determined and Merlin made no mistake in relating her to Arthur, because those traits were almost identical. Along with the letters came Morgana’s persistent presence in Merlin’s life and also her presence at their kitchen table.   
Today was one of those days.   
He was just putting the letters back in the closet when Morgana appeared in his room with another envelope and a smirk. “My brother writes very quickly.”   
“I know.” He laughed. Morgana smiled.   
“Hunith said that dinner is ready.”   
At first, Merlin had been wary to have her there, to have her eating dinner with them even though she barely knew them. But then Merlin asked why she didn’t eat in her own home, which had Hunith sending him a ‘look’, Morgana simply responded that she had spent dinners with Arthur as their father was busy with work more often than not.   
After that occurrence Hunith invited her over much more frequently and even offered to send her home with sweets, or biscuits. With time Merlin learned at aside from magic and the same coloured hair they both had one major thing in common; they both missed Arthur more than they let on. Merlin learned this as he spent many nights on his slanted roof with her the way he had spent them with Arthur in those crisp late summer months.   
That night, after dinner, and after reading his new letter Morgana joined him out to the roof and they sat there in silence. The world seemed so undisturbed as Morgana spoke and the air passed easily through and around them.   
“You know, I wonder if the stars are the same here as they are wherever he is now.” Merlin didn’t say anything. He couldn’t find the words and he found that, shockingly, with Morgana, he didn’t need them.   
She flashed him a small smile and looked at him briefly before she went back to looking at the stars that seemed to be an ever present fixture in her now permanent life.   
“When he’s gone, it sounds weird, but when he’s gone all I can here is Everyday Is Like Sunday, y’know, by The Smiths, and I wonder if he’s as lonely as we are.” Merlin looked up at the vast expanse before him, at the vast and endless void, and he was struck with a very large emotion that struggled with the incomprehensible idea that his body was finite in feeling it. He experienced longing and he hoped that Arthur was not lonely.

 

For the past year Arthur had spent time in a straw cot, eaten nothing but stale grain, and helped build more than a hundred schools. He loved it.   
In the morning he got up, went with his colleagues to help the villagers of their service area with food and rations, then in the afternoon he went to help certain parts of the school they were currently establishing, then in the evening his sat with the villagers in campfires and ate with them and cultivated their knowledge. Arthur learned the stories of people who were not born in fortunate circumstances and he had spent a year and a few months getting to know what it was like to not know what a telly was, or a mobile, or even what a corner store was. In their lives there were no conveniences and easy solutions and this, in more ways than one, affected Arthur and how he had seen his life before everything that had transpired.   
In the past months, as the spring storms came and passed and only certain things bloomed in the South American forest, he had spent so much time conversing with natives and volunteers alike and had even met a rather bulky man, well he was only nineteen but built like a bull, who told him his name was Percival. They had spent more than a few dinners together in jovial company. And even with all his company and his distractions he felt long, and discontent. At night, when, in the sparse village, he looked up at the sky exploding with stars just like in Ealdor he wondered if Merlin missed him, wondered if their letters meant anything, with worry on his mind he’d let his despondent thoughts put him to sleep.

* * *

 

**_Summer_ **

From the sweltering heat Merlin found comfort in four things; ice lollies, any air conditioned place he could find, Morgana, and Arthur’s letters. It was hot, with the temperature almost in the forties and Merlin decided that he’d stay with Morgana in her air conditioned house as long as it meant not having to make the trek back to his own home, which, luckily, was air conditioned as well. In the heat and finally out of school Merlin had much more time to think about the direction his feelings and his letters were going. He and Arthur had never said it out loud except for that catastrophic night almost two years ago when Arthur had kissed him. He had not spoken about primarily because he figured he could avoid it, and also because he believed that Arthur didn’t want to talk about, that it had been a lapse in his judgment. But the feelings were there, with an emotional exaltation unrivaled to anything Merlin had ever felt before in his life.   
That summer, the summer he turned seventeen, he realized that Arthur was his soul mate. The first person he told was his mother, and quite possibly in a way that could have gone better. They had been sitting on the roof, the roof where Hunith and Merlin had watched some of the most tumultuous moments of their life as a family pass them by.   
Hunith sighed, looking up at the night sky as the hot air of July brushed against her face, making her cheeks rosy, even in the night hues.   
“I wish you’d make more friends.”   
Now, in all cases, Merlin knew his mother wasn’t forcing him into anything or do anything with anyone. Merlin knew that as her role as a single mother, it was natural that she wish he was happy and satisfied and she didn’t see him at way when he had very few friends.   
He looked at her briefly before turning over his hand and playing with the magic at his fingertips. “We’ve been over this, mum. I’m okay. I don’t need a lot of friends and the ones I have are just fine. I’m fine, mum.”   
She looked at him with those worried and sad eyes that said that she wanted to believe him badly even if she couldn’t be sure what he said was the truth. “I know. I just. . . I think maybe at this rate you may never find that boy you felt so many months ago.” Merlin looked up at the sky and bit his lip sheepishly.   
“Yeah, about that. . .”   
Hunith turned to him in surprise. “So you’ve found him? Where is he?”   
“Do you remember the boy who lived in that flat?” Merlin had enough sense to look bashful as he pointed to the flat right across from him. The one where the roofs almost touched but didn’t in a bizarre happenstance of fate.   
She nodded. He gave her a small smile.   
“Well, there was a boy there, his name was Arthur, and he is it.”   
She looked at the flat in a calculating way for more than a moment and Merlin worried she had not heard her when she turned to smile at him. “I am glad to see it had worked out, Merlin. I only want for your happiness.”   
Merlin heaved out a sigh he didn’t know he’d been holding and smiled up at the nebulas that foretold of his story as it unraveled out right in front of him.   
“And I for you, mum.”

 

Arthur had had enough of the heat by the second week of summer. Percival and he had been more than tired every day as it got hotter into the summer. They continued to do their jobs with almost religious passion and dedication as the South American terrain was permeating with a sultry layer over everything.   
In the months that followed spring, Arthur had made few friends in the charity program. He had Percival, who, incidentally, had been from London, and he had enlisted in the company’s charity program because he felt it had been the right thing to do. Arthur found his was a man of very brute strength, but also of great compassion and intelligence. In knowing him, Arthur had met Lancelot Du Lac, a young man who was his age, only eighteen, and hoping to help those who needed. Arthur was convinced he was one of selflessness and courage and in one instance when a mudslide had threatened to run out the entirety of their medical supplies he had run into the room with Percival in the middle of the storm and came away with almost all the medicine and supplies to help them make it through the week before they got more supplies. He had also met a woman, Helena. She was steadfast, headstrong, and more than a bit of a tomboy. The first time Arthur met her she had the mannerisms of a very clumsy person with mild manners but after a few more times around her she was much more than that. She had told Arthur about her ideas for female empowerment and encouraging women in South America to eradicate that stigma and encourage them to go to school, to work, to do all the things women before had not yet done. She had waved her arms around emphatically and had such a passion in her voice that Arthur was compelled by it. They became fast friends.   
Arthur realized that although he missed Merlin and Ealdor and even London he had made a good life with what he had been given. Uther had sent him away to “cure” him of his “disease” but he had realized something much better. He was finally happy. He was now an infinite and contributing piece of a definite whole. He felt that his work meant something because in the years to come the school he had built with so many others would still be letting young men and ladies into its halls. He would be a contributing factor in the lives of many, would help more than he knew. He had made friends, made friends who, in the middle of their time doing all these things, had not the disposition to alienate him and ostracize him because in work where everyone had to be selfless, to be strong and generous, there was no room to spare for prejudice. As the sweltering heat closed to fall Arthur found he had been more than happy in his life at that moment.   
It was mid-July when Percival brought up Merlin.   
Arthur had just gotten his mail and when he saw the letter with its familiar handwriting on it he was more than happy to see it. He smiled as he opened it to find a photo of Merlin was included in his regular letter.   
Percival smiled next to him. “Who is that?”   
Lancelot made his way over to them. “Someone special?” he jested with a wink.   
Arthur was still looking at the photo when he said, “Yes. He is.”   
Percival looked at the photo of Guinevere and Merlin with their hands on each other's shoulders as they laughed. “Seems like a good bloke.”   
Arthur nodded his head rapidly. “Oh he is. The best there is.”   
Lancelot looked at the picture from the other side of Arthur. “And who is that?” His voice was light as he pointed at the girl but Arthur laughed.   
He patted Lancelot’s back and heard Percival chuckle beside him. “I’ll ask for you.”   
And that night he wrote Merlin a three paged letter telling him how nice the photo looked, who that girl was, and whether or not Morgana had worn him yet.

* * *

 

**_Autumn_ **

As the brisk wind bit Merlin through his thin jacket he walked home with his college work. As summer had ended Merlin had decided that he would take courses in teaching young warlocks and witches about harnessing their powers. He had decided that was as good a plan as any and was working on going into Uni for it. His mother had been happy to see that he was finally making these decisions and Gaius had told him he could give out recommendations for a private tutor and Merlin would be in business for a long time to come. Merlin had laughed and told him they had not yet reached that level and he would in time need his help, just not then.   
He was putting him work on his desk and organizing it when Gwen, Will, Gwaine, and Morgana came into his room and roosted there.   
Morgana sat on his bed and smiled. “Hello, Merlin.”   
Merlin smiled at her. “Hey, Morgana.” Gwaine broke the silence that followed.   
“Okay, so, on behalf of all of us here too awkward to say it-”   
“We want you to come with us to a party.” Will interrupted.   
Merlin stopped organizing his papers and looked at all of them, each with hopefully eyes and Morgana’s were mischievous.   
“When?” he said slowly.   
“Tonight.” Morgana said.   
“But you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Gwen had said quickly, trying to sound as kind as possible.   
Merlin sighed. “I have coursework.”   
Gwaine looked at him. “Hey, mate, that coursework will be here when you come back. Just come to the party with us. Just a fun time. What do you say?”   
Merlin sighed and nodded his head with a small smile on his lips.   
“Fine. Fine!” They all smiled and filed out as quickly as they had come and Morgana told his mum that they were taking him out and she just smiled and went back to reading as she had been.

 

In November of his second year working in the charity program Arthur was still having a good time. He had received more than two hundred letters from Merlin and had been more than happy with his new friends.   
It was also in November that he got a visit from Uther.   
They had come back to their cabin, collectively stinking and covered in mud when Arthur saw his father’s unmistakable figure in their miniscule front room. “This is a bit of a small area for people who earn a very good salary in our company.”   
“We like to live like few of the natives. It makes us able to connect to their hardships.” Arthur responded quietly as he cleaned his face and arms and legs with a rag.   
His father turned around to face him with a small smile on his lips. “Very good, very thoughtful. I see this trip has worked on your character. I suspect those other characteristics have also changed?”   
For some reason Arthur boiled with rage at that comment. His father had made him live more than several years feeling disgusted, feeling ashamed and unwanted and made him seem like he had been wrong, been a mistake. He had been so worried about impressing his father that he had denied himself and his urges and all that he was. His father had oppressed him and sent him to another damn country because he did not live the way that he had wanted Arthur to live, and this finally set off a fire in Arthur. It was glorious mutiny against his father and what he knew what had been a wrong decision.   
His friends were coming into the front room at the exact moment that Arthur stiffened and let out a bitter laugh. It surprised all in the room because his friends had only ever seen him in good spirits for the entire time they had known him. Uther had never seen such bitterness in his son. His friends gathered next to him and looked at the stranger with contempt.   
“Wouldn’t you just love that!” Arthur said behind that bitter laugh and it sounded very angry. Percival and Lancelot put a hand in his shoulders.   
“Who is this, Arthur?” Lancelot asked.  
Uther turned to them. “I am his father. Now leave, these are matters which do not involve you.”   
Lancelot looked at him with a furrowed brow. “With all due respect, sir, we shall not leave Arthur.”   
Uther turned to Arthur. “Arthur, get your childish friends out of here, this instant!”   
Arthur nodded, his smile was bitter, something Uther had never seen. He had only seen his son as obedient. “No. No, father. No, I want to them to hear about how you could send away your only son because he was _gay_!”   
Uther flinched at the word. “Don’t say that word.”   
Arthur dropped the smile and now there was deep upset in his eyes. “Why, father? Because you can’t stand to imagine that your son is. I am, father. I am. ** _I’m gay!_ ** That’s what I’ve always been! A gay man, is what I am now! A fairy!”   
Uther couldn’t look into his son’s eyes. “Stop this! It’s childish. I shall not have a row with you in front of these people, these strangers.”   
Arthur let out a bark of angered laughter. “Childish? Well, father, at least I don’t hate my son for all that he is and that he can’t change!”   
“I don’t hate you.” Uther said quickly, looking into his son’s eyes in hopes he’d see the honesty there.   
Arthur was still fuming. “Then why?!” He was yelling he knew that. He could see his friends giving him determined glances and apologetic smiles. “Why would you do that?! I was happy, for the first time since mother died, _I was happy._ So why did you have to take me away, if you don’t hate me for being a homosexual you sure as hell have nothing to show for it, father.”   
Uther saw it in his eyes, saw something in his son’s eyes had changed. They had hardened in a way he had seen only once, in the eyes of his wife. These two year of sending his child away had worn him into a different person and had helped him, but they had also broken him. Arthur was no longer angry, but broken and sad.   
His eyes watered with tears he longer tried to hold for the sake of his father. “I was happy.” He whispered. When Uther said nothing, paralyzed by the sight of his son, broken, Arthur shuddered out a cry.   
His friends put their arms around him and led him out of the room. A blonde woman emerged a few minutes later and had a blaze in her eyes Uther dared not cross. “He is sleeping. We must ask you to leave. We do not want to see you here again, and it would be best if you just never contacted him again. He’ll come to you when he’s ready.” Uther suddenly felt his mechanics return to him.   
He looked at her indignantly. “You do realize I am the CEO of the company who supplies your occupation and programs?”   
“You are also a father, but you seem shitty at both jobs.” She said quickly.   
Uther looked at her in shock and left the small hut with a bowed head.   
When Arthur opened his eyes ten hours later he went back to the small front room, imagining everything all over again and wondering what had happened to make him snap. Helena was beside his side, watching him quietly.   
After a moment she spoke softly. “If you could have said anything differently, would you have?” He nodded a ‘no’.

* * *

 

_**Winter** _

As it got cold in Ealdor Merlin went to less classes as his magic courses were usually learned outdoors. He spent the cold winter months staying in with warm drinks, reading and studying for his spring courses, and reading and sending letters to Arthur. He was quietly sitting and looking out at the flat across from him that had remained uninhabited for almost three years now.   
While he had been sitting quietly Morgana and Gwaine had burst through his room. He was strongly requesting a lock for Christmas.   
Morgana looked worried. “Uther went to see Arthur in South America in November.”   
Merlin immediately sat up and set down his tea. “And? What happened?”  
Gwen nodded and looked at Morgana. “I was with her when he arrived home. He is devastated. Something happened in South America.”   
Merlin nodded. “Well I know he’s not dead, he sent me a letter yesterday.”   
Morgana began to look for it. “Well did he write about what happened in any of his letters? Father is highly upset, has been crying and spending all his time at work.”   
Merlin nodded. “No, he hasn’t mentioned it, but Arthur us upset, rightfully so. His father shipped him away for just being who he was. Perhaps Arthur told him that much. Have you asked him?”   
Morgana nodded. “He won’t tell him. He keeps saying not something to concern myself with. I just. . . It’s been a month and a half and I’m worried what it will do to him. He may not be the best person, but he is my father, and he has tried his best since our mother died.”   
Merlin nodded and looked down.   
Morgana looked at him for a moment before she smiled. “You, Merlin! You can talk to him.”   
Merlin looked up with panicked eyes. “Oh no, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I really don’t.”   
Morgana looked at him pleadingly. “Please! Oh, please, Merlin. I just need father to be okay. I hate seeing him suffer.”   
Merlin nodded slower. “I don’t know if I can, Morgana. Not after all he’s done to Arthur.”   
Morgana sighed. “But think, you could help him change his mind.” Merlin sighed and gave a small nod. They were out of his house and into the sharp and cold air faster than he could even fathom.

He walked into Uther’s study silently to find the man at his desk, head in his hands and he could see tears on the large mahogany desk in front of him.   
He coughed noticeably to warn Uther of his presence. “Excuse me, sir.”   
Uther looked up and wiped his eyes. “It’s you! You’re the boy.”   
Merlin nodded. “Yes, I am. Morgana sent me, she says you are troubled Arthur. Can I ask what it is?”   
Uther looked away from him and sighed. “I fear I did my son, and yourself, a great wrong. He is in pain and I have no way to alleviate it.”   
Merlin sighed and sat at a chair in front of Uther’s desk. “That can be changed, sir. And you have done me no wrong.”   
Uther looked at him sadly. “I was foolish, I let me old view of the world get in the way of my son’s happiness. And he misses you, and I can see that you do as well.”   
Merlin sighed. “I have dealt with far worse.”   
Uther looked at him with perplexed emotion. “How do you do that? How is it that you have such unwavering perseverance though you are unhappy?”   
Merlin shrugged. “It’s all I have, sir. And Arthur needs it, it’s how he gets through his days in South America. I think perhaps you could do the same for him.”   
Uther sighed wistfully. “I don’t think it’s attainable.”   
Merlin stood. “Mr. Pendragon, before anything Arthur has always been unwavering in his loyalty. He is loyal to you, he does what he can to appease you and has always done that. I think perhaps it’s time for you to the same for him. You can fix this.”   
And with that he walked out and left the mansion with a hopeful smile on his lips.

 

On Christmas Arthur got a letter from father and decided to read it. It was the first time since his mother died that Arthur felt completely confident in how his father had shown he was, in fact, doing all that he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next is year three, some new things happen, and we get to see a lot of happy things go on after this bumpy year


	8. You're made of Nebulas and Novas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it's the third year that Arthur and Merlin have been writing and Arthur thinks way too much for his own good. But maybe some of that think is really just for his own good.

_**Spring** _

 

When Spring came, so did Balinor.  
It began in April, when Gaius began to become very skittish.  
“Merlin,” he inquired one day, “how do you feel about not having a father?”  
Merlin had snapped his head up. He had never considered it very much. He had his mother and he had Gaius, who, although just his mentor, had helped him through puberty and the revelation of his magic. Gaius had given advice when needed and held his tongue when he knew Merlin had to make mistakes to learn. His mother had been a pillar of support, understanding, and kindness. In his life he had very few times thought of the absence of his father and his mother never mentioned him. He assumed at a young age that he was simply not to talk about it.  
“I’m not sure, he said cautiously, “why do you ask, Gaius?”  
The physician nodded quickly. “No matter, I’ve just been talking to your mother.”  
Merlin immediately stopped the potion he was brewing. “What’s wrong? Is she all right?”  
Gaius gave him a small smile. “She’s perfectly well. Just a bit lonely.”  
Merlin sighed. “I know. I worry about her.”  
Gaius chuckled. “You both worry about each other so much it’s a wonder you ever get anything done.”  
Two weeks later Merlin was sitting in his room writing Arthur when his mother moved softly into the room and closed his door just as softly. Merlin looked up at her but she just moved to the windowsill and climbed out onto the roof. He followed suit as she settled on the roof.  
When Merlin looked at her she looked worried in that subtle way that told Merlin she was trying to conceal it for him.  
“I need to tell you something.” She said quietly.  
Merlin put a hand on her shoulder. “What is it, mum? You can tell me.”  
She gave him a small and sad smile. “It’s quite big news.”  
He nodded. “Well we can just sit here until you’re ready to talk.”  
When she nodded they both settled back and looked at the stars in the night sky.  
After what must have been thirty minutes she finally spoke.  
“You know, when you were born we didn’t have the laws we have now. When you were born magic was outlawed until the time you were two. You never knew what it was to have who you were be illegal. Before you the world lived in a constant state of oppression and fear. It was dangerous times to be in love with a sorcerer.”  
Merlin sat up on his elbows. “Why are you telling me this, mum?”  
She nodded. “I’ll get to it. Just settle yourself.”  
He nodded and let her continue.  
“Well, obviously from your magic I fell in love with a sorcerer. He was the last Dragonlord, and we had met when he was running from the government as they were trying to capture him. He stayed with me. But he had to leave, because they would find him, and they would find me and they would find you.”  
Merlin nodded. “Mum, I don’t want to hear this. It doesn’t matter.”  
Hunith sighed. “I know, but you need to know. I’ve kept so many things from you, so many secrets. It was all to protect you. I just wanted to protect you.”  
He sat up and held her face. “And you have, mum. You have done it by yourself and I’m just fine. You did an amazing job. It doesn’t matter.”  
She looked into his eyes. “But what of your father?”  
“What of him?”  
She frowned. “Don’t you want to know more about him?”  
He sighed. “I was, and I’ll admit this, very curious for a long time. I wanted very badly to know and there was so much I could learn from him. But I have Gaius, and I’m older now. If you want to tell me, then yes, I won’t oppose it, but it doesn’t matter to me. It’s been you and I for so long and I don’t mind either way.”  
She sighed and smiled and Merlin leaned forward to kiss her forehead. “I was so worried you’d be resentful for the secrets I kept from you.”  
Merlin hugged her. “You only did what you did because you had to. And I’m happy, mum. Even if there are a few secrets you have I’m sure they can’t be all that bad if I’m as happy as I have been in a long time.”  
She hugged him tighter. “I’m so glad to hear that.”  
They sat in the embrace until Hunith pulled away and there was still a crease in her face.  
“What is it?” Merlin asked.  
She sighed. “There’s something else. Something I haven’t told that I need to tell you.”  
Merlin smiled softly at her. “Anything you tell me won’t be too damaging. What is it, mum?”  
Hunith sighed. “I. . . Well when your father left us, to come back when it was safe, well, he’s back.”  
Merlin froze.  
“Now, I know this isn’t something that I should be telling you, what with your tutoring business and work and all of that, but. Well he’s back and we’ve talked and I just want so much for you to meet him.”  
“Merlin, my dear, say something.”  
“What?”  
Hunith looked carefully at him. “Are you all right, Merlin?”  
To be honest he was. He knew that his father had been alive, because his mother never recalled his father with sadness, but with wistful longing. He knew that he couldn’t be angry, because it had been a different time. There were literal witch-hunts and to have a family full of warlocks never would have lasted. Had his father stayed with them then he would have been captured, as well as Merlin, and probably both killed. Merlin could not muster any anger and it surprised him, but was also very assuring. Because on top of the problems with Arthur’s family he did not need drama in his own life.  
He nodded slowly. “What’s his name, mum?”  
“Balinor.” Hunith responded slowly.  
“I want to meet him.” Merlin said, and there nothing but determination and solid resolve in his voice.  
Hunith looked at him. “Are you sure about that, Merlin? I understand if you’re upset. But you don’t need to do this for my sake.”  
Merlin looked at her and sighed. “I’m not upset or angry, mum. I understand what he did and I just need to meet him, to know.”  
She nodded. And they both leaned back and lay on the roof.  
After another moment of companionable silence Hunith looked at him. The stars and full moon illuminated her tranquil face. “You know, of all my decisions and mistakes and choices; you are my favourite. I would never make any other decision than ones that led to you. My brilliant boy.”

He smiled at the stars that shifted in the night sky.

 

Arthur was walking back to his room and smiled as he read the letter from his father. 

As spring in the third year began to immerge and Arthur grew more attached to Merlin he began to get tentative letters. At first he had thrown them away, too bitter and angry about their fight to even bother looking at them. He had expected that after three weeks of no responding, but each week like clockwork they came and in the middle of April Arthur mustered up the courage to write back. The letter had been very flaccid, only asking about the basic topics; how was he doing? Was the work going well? Did he like his friends?  
He responded in equal noncommittal but slowly he gave detail, and jokes, and sarcastic quips, as the letters became more personal, more kind. He saw that his father slowly tried to understand him, understand his life and his choices and preferences. He tried to make it easy by being himself and so far everything had been nice, even a bit comfortable.  
Back in Ealdor Uther tried very hard to mold his ideas and opinions around the fact that his son was something that no one had the power to change, no matter how much money he had. He was so sure, when Morgana had been born, that Ygraine would have helped him to be softer, to know when it was time to listen to his children. But she had died too early, and he had spent so long not listening and only ordering because it was what he did best. Uther had treated his children like employees, but only because he could not understand what it was that they needed.  
So he asked.  
One night he was sitting at supper and Morgana had been more than surprised to see him.  
“Oh.” She said, with wide eyes.  
He got up quickly and pulled out a chair. “Hello, Morgana.”  
She stood there for a moment, almost dumbfounded until she gave him a small smile and went to the pulled out chair. “Hello, father.”  
They sat quietly and all the while Morgana had a smirk on her face and Uther smiled at her in between bites.  
Half way through supper he coughed and Morgana looked up.  
He gave her a soft, but firm glance. “Morgana, I have come to realize in these past years that I have made many mistakes regarding you and your brother. And I am here, at this dinner, to talk about the things you need. I am asking you to please help me to understand what you need from me as a father.”  
Morgana looked at him for a moment before giving a small chuckle.  
Uther sat back, trying very hard not feel offended. “What is it?”  
Morgana subsided her laughter and touch her father’s hand on the table. “Father, you still don’t get it.”  
Uther looked at her with a furrowed brow. “Get what?”  
Morgana smiled. “This,” she waved at the dinner in front of them, “is what I’ve always wanted. I don’t want a new car, or a trust fund, or a flat. I want to know someone will ask me how my day is going, that someone will sit with me at dinner like Arthur used to. I only want someone to talk with caring and compassion. I don’t want anything to do with money, father. I only ever wanted you to be there.”  
He stared at her for a moment before he smiled. “I can do my best. Even with my work I can try. It’s gracious of you to be so forgiving.”  
Morgana sighed. “Father, I know what mother’s death did to you. I’m not bitter because of it. She left a business man to raise children. Things were bound to go wrong.”  
He sighed and frowned. “I have made so many mistakes your mother never would have.”  
“She would have made her own mistakes.” She said simply.  
Uther nodded.

That night they sat in one of the sitting rooms and talked and Morgana smiled and laughed and Uther had never realized the rewards he would have gotten had he just listened to his children. He made a resolution to work less, and to try harder. There was nagging in the back of his mind, telling him that children should do this or that. He ignored that voice for a while, because it wasn’t the voice he wanted raising his kids.

* * *

 

**_Summer_ **

 

Merlin’s tutoring sessions normally lasted an hour to an hour and a half. In the sweltering heat his students stayed just a bit longer, though Mordred stayed much longer than the others.  
Mordred was in his last year of secondary school and quite possibly the most talented young man Merlin had seen. They would have lunch sometimes and he would show Mordred tricks and they would just have an enjoyable time. After having spent most of his life with the same friends Mordred was a pleasant addition into his life. Mordred was the first boy who Merlin felt he had truly been able to relay all of his problems to. They had gotten closer and eventually when Mordred’s courses with Merlin had ended he came back simply to have a cuppa and a chat.  
Merlin was sitting on the roof, in the middle of July, midday and read Arthur’s letter. He was just finishing the letter when Mordred moved to sit next to him.  
“Who is that from?” He said with a smile.  
“Arthur.” Merlin said quietly.  
“Whoa, try to control your hard-on.” Mordred laughed.  
Merlin blushed. “He’s my . . . friend.”  
They had written to each other often enough that it was friendship but some days it felt like more, or it felt like Merlin wanting more. There were letters where Arthur would say something and Merlin would consider the fact that perhaps they were in a relationship. But they had never talked about it, and Merlin had never really thought about it too long. He could hardly consider their relationship when Arthur was half way across the world and doing important things that didn’t require drama.  
Mordred stopped laughing and gave him a small smile. “Friend? Really? That’s all?”  
Merlin nodded and then sighed. “Yep.” He tried not to sound so wistful or bitter.  
Merlin lay back on the roof and Mordred sat back with him. They stared at the sky for a bit. It was clear, light blue, and there were no clouds in sight, a very rare event for the skies of Britain. Merlin noticed that the skies were the exact shade of Arthur’s eyes.  
Mordred spoke up in a quiet voice. “What is he like, your Chosen?”  
Merlin hated the old term, but sighed. “Good. So very good. He is noble, proud, but capable of change. Arthur is compassionate, and capable of understanding and action. He’ll be a great leader some day.”  
Mordred nodded. “That’s good. Does he know he’s Chosen?”  
Merlin nodded. “He knows he chosen, he just doesn’t know it’s me.”  
Mordred looked at the sky for a good long while. “He will. I know he will.”  
Merlin nodded.

 As August pulled around the corner Merlin got busier and busier with tutoring and with living in his new flat that he hadn’t noticed that he hadn’t left the house in almost a month for anything of his own enjoyment.   
He called over his friends and they came bearing gifts of movies and snacks.  
They watched two movies when Gwen spoke up softly.  
“I started writing post to Lance.”  
Merlin had heard that name before. Lancelot Du Lac was a friend of Arthurs, who was, from what Arthur said, kind and brave and loyal and Merlin thanked him silently for keeping Arthur safe and with company.  
Their friends began a slew of questions.  
Gwaine was the first. “Oh, not you too! What do you guys even write about? Is it serious? How does it even work?”  
Then Will. “Jesus Christ! Is everyone dating charity cases?!”  
Mordred just shrugged. “That’s good.”  
Morgana was much more enthusiastic for her than them. “Oh, Gwen that’s so great! Is he nice? I’ve never seen him as Arthur is a greedy bastard.”  
Gwen gave her a soft smile. “Thank you, Morgana.”  
Gwaine saddled up next to Arthur. “Oi, since this is more effective than a dating site, think that perhaps Arthur has a very nice co-worker who happens to like Uni drop-outs who run bars.”  
Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. “Our letters are not for you to find a date.”  
Gwaine put an arm around his shoulders. “It’s hardly a date, Merlin,” Gwaine winked, “it’s true love.”  
Merlin snorted and knocked him on the floor.  
They all laughed as Gwaine fell back on the rug and chuckled.

 

Arthur was very bored.  
They were given a week of vacation and Arthur was positively and horribly bored. He was so used to always moving, always doing things, always having a **_purpose_**.  
And then Merlin’s letters came more frequently and on his week off he sat with his friends in their living room, sorting through all of his letters.  
“This is absolutely, unbelievably ridiculous.” Lance said as they sorted through more than five hundred letters.  
Helena shrugged as they rifled through them. “I think it’s romantic, if not a bit obsessive.”  
Arthur sighed. “We just talk a lot. I’m not romantic with him.”  
Helena raised an eyebrow and dove for one of the letters and Arthur reached around her waist to keep her from getting them. “Oh, no you don’t!”  
He plopped her down on the sofa and she chuckled. “You seem very adamant about denying that you aren’t involved, but I know for a matter of fact that at least one hundred of these say that you miss each other. It’s only a matter of time before the love confessions come.”  
Arthur huffed at her. “It’s not like that.” He grumbled.  
“But you want it to be.” Leon said.  
Leon had been transferred three months ago and they had all gotten on wonderfully.  
Arthur sorted through the letters and refused to look at any of them. “I don’t know. I never really thought about it.”  
This statement was a vicious lie. In all honesty, in the time he’d been away he distracted himself from those thoughts by doing work, by putting off his own petty emotions to deal with more important things. In the night, when he couldn’t sleep and he stared at the stars he would remember Merlin, remember the last time they had talked. They had talked about Arthur’s life and the problems he never thought he could fix and Merlin had listened and smiled at him and Arthur felt **_whole_**. But most days he tried to remember that even though Merlin talked to him after that kiss, that alarmingly amazing kiss, it didn’t necessarily mean that Merlin was attracted to him so he stifled it and waited until he was back in Ealdor. He wasn’t sure what he associated with Merlin, but every time he tried to pin it he was afraid of what it meant.  
Arthur sighed. “Doesn’t matter. It’s just not on.”  
Lance looked at him with concerned eyes. “I hardly think that is true, Arthur.”  
Helena snorted. “No, I _know_ that is not true! I’ve read those letters, sorry Arthur, but honestly, it’s so blatantly there.”  
Arthur spluttered.  
Leon put a hand on his shoulder. “Perhaps you could try it. See where it goes.”  
Arthur picked up his letters and went to his room where he sat and thought for a while.

 Two days later Percival walked into his room with a confused look. “Arthur?”  
Arthur had been sitting at his desk and writing when Percival sat on his bed. The bed dipped and groaned at the weight of the burly man. “Yes?”  
Percival showed him the letter. “ _We_ have a letter from Merlin.”  
The first strange thing was that Percival got post. Percival never got mail. His family had died several years prior to his joining the company’s charity program and he had never made close enough friends that they had decided to write.  
The second was that Merlin never really got involved with Arthur’s friends. It was as though Merlin was his own little world to be kept all to himself and he enjoyed it that way, although it was a pleasant surprise to find out that Merlin took interest in his friends.  
Arthur looked at him. “Do you want me to open it?”  
Percival nodded silently and looked at the envelope like it had grown a second head.  
Arthur took it and opened it. He read the letter and laughed and was so glad to hear from Merlin so quickly. Enclosed was the following:

 

**_Dear Arthur,_ **

****

**_Okay, so I know I already sent you a letter to respond to, but Gwaine has made me send this letter and inside is something I believe he needs to give Percival. I keep trying to explain to him that I’m not a dating service but since Lance and Gwen are writing each other he thinks you’re the majestic being who makes dates happen. Please excuse him; he was dropped on his head by his aunt._ **

**_Anyway, here it is, and please, just don’t let it get out of hand. Gwaine has a way of getting to be a bit. . . Of himself. So yeah, bye._ **

****

**_Miss you,_ **

**_Merlin_ **

 

Arthur smiled and handed the letter to Percival while he looked in the envelope for the things Merlin mentioned.  
When he pulled it out he almost fell over laughing. In the envelope was a picture of Merlin and a young man standing next to him that was shirtless. Merlin stared at Gwaine as if he was hoping to set him on fire. Gwaine was smirking at the camera like he had a secret to share. On the back of the letter in messy scrawl was three words: **_hey hot stuff ;)  
_** And right beneath it, in his articulate cursive, Merlin wrote: __**Please ignore him dear god.**  
And at the bottom was an address Arthur was positive was Gwaine’s.  
Percival finished the letter and looked up at Arthur. “Well. . . I. . .” He struggled with words for the first time since Arthur had met him.  
Arthur chuckled and handed Percival the picture.  
It took him a moment and reading the back before Percival looked at Arthur with wide eyes. “He. . .”  
Arthur let out a loud laugh. “Yes, Gwaine is like that, I suppose. You don’t have to respond if you’d rather not-”  
“No. I can do it.” Percival responded just a little too quickly.  
Helena, Lance, and Leon came into the room at the sound Arthur’s loud laughter.  
Helena raised an eyebrow so as to question what it was, but Arthur just laughed and motioned for Percival to hand them the envelope with all of its contents while he went back to writing. There were chuckles as they each read it and Leon clapped Percival on the back.  
“You were just going on the other day about something like this. I’d say it was a sign.”  
Percival nodded, still a bit dumbfounded.  
And at that Arthur turned around and looked at Lancelot. “Oi, you! You never told me you were sending letters to Gwen.”  
As every head in the small room turned to him he blushed. “We were keeping it discreet.”  
Helena slapped on the arm. “Discreet doesn’t mean keeping it from friends, you toad!”  
And after talking a bit they all filed out except for Percival.  
He waited for a moment before to spoke up as Arthur was signing his letter.  
“Arthur?”  
Arthur swiveled. “Yes?”  
Percival pointed to the picture. “Do you think I should?”  
Arthur saw that need, and also sadness in his eyes. He was asking Arthur because they were one in the same. Neither had really had the family they wanted, and neither of them had had friends before they had join the program and there was something horrifying about even considering something of that magnitude. Arthur had not fallen in love with anyone because he was aware of how temporary his own life was, or the lives of anyone else. He had refused himself something as simple as a close friend or a partner because it meant that he would care about someone more than himself and eventually they would leave, either by leaving and breaking up or by dying. Everything always ended. And before three years ago, if Arthur had been considered a close enough friend if they would have ever found each other to begin with, Arthur would have told him no.  
Arthur would have warned him, told him to erase it from his mind, because while he was a romantic, he was also a realist.

But now. . . Now.

“Yes. I think you really should.” Arthur said, with a smile.

* * *

 

**_Fall_ **

 

 

When October rolled around the corner Merlin got more students and he was delighted.  
The tutoring was such a success he was able to spend weekends off and still pay off his rent and internet.  
He was nineteen and working by himself and it he never realized how good it help to do something that he loved and make a job out of it.  
He was just getting in when he spotted his mother sitting his couch with a man.  
Merlin stopped immediately when he noticed the potent sense of magic that he felt as he entered the room. Dragon lord, his senses told him. Old Religion power, they whispered in the back of his head.  
“Balinor.” Merlin said quietly.  
Hunith and Balinor got up from the sofa and Balinor stretched out his hand.  
“Hello, Merlin.”  
Merlin didn’t move. In fact, he didn’t move for several minutes and was shocked to find that his father wore rugged clothes, all neutral colours, and a long thick coat despite the fact that, although it was autumn, it was more than freezing outside. He also sported a beard that made him look surprising kind.  
Merlin shook his hand. “Hi.”  
He began to notice the bags and their weight as he got them from the grocer. He moved to the kitchen and Hunith and Balinor stood in his living room awkwardly.  
He was putting things on the counter when he poked his head into the living room and smiled at his mother. “You can come into the kitchen while I make supper.”  
She nodded and took a step before she looked back at Balinor, who looked mortified.  
Merlin looked at him too before mock rolling his eyes and waving at them. “Hmm, I guess both of you will have to stay for supper.”  
Balinor sat in the wooden chairs and Merlin almost laughed because he looked more like he should be sitting on a throne or at the helm of a ship, not in some knock-off wooden chair Merlin found in an alleyway.  
“Merlin I know this all must be-” Balinor started.  
But Merlin put of his hand up to silence him and sat down as a sauce cooked slowly on the stove-top. “Did you love her?” Merlin made a motion towards his mother.  
Balinor nodded.  
Merlin nodded. “Hmmm. And did you want to leave?”  
Balinor nodded.  
Merlin deliberated for a moment, a small moment when his parents shared a look and Merlin had to honestly hold back laughter at the pair of them looking like teenagers dating before a very intimidating parent.  
After that moment Merlin smiled widely at both of them. “Well then that’s good. I hope you both like spaghetti.”

 They ate dinner, and talked, and Balinor told Merlin stories and showed him more interesting tricks to do with his fingers. Hunith sat back as they both conjured up dragons made of small sparks. She watched Merlin smile and Balinor smile and was more than pleased for the life she had, but had not expected when she was young and saw no prospects for herself.

 

 

Arthur was fucked.

He well and honestly and truly fucked.

It had started in the summer as he slowly came to the realization that perhaps he wanted more from Merlin, wanted more from their friendship. And of course, with a face and eyes like that, Arthur would have truly stupid not to think that he would want something more. Percival had taken that risk and was now talking to Gwaine almost as often as he and Merlin did, and they sent many more pictures than Arthur hoped he sent. The problem being that after three years since the kiss Arthur had no idea what to do to change the situation.  
Sending Merlin a letter confessing everything he was feeling would hardly receive a warm welcome and after spending more than three years writing to Merlin Arthur had come to the conclusion that he needed Merlin; needed his letters and his pictures and everything that he was because it got him through the day, it got him through whole weeks and to lose that now. No, Arthur had refused to let it happen.  
The thing that set it off was actually a photo that Merlin had mailed him in the middle of October. In the photo Merlin had a thick, blue scarf wrapped around his next and he had on a peacoat and was smiling next to a burly man with a beard, who had been Merlin’s father Arthur later learned, but after seeing that photo, seeing the unbridled happiness and unrestrained passion and just **_joy_** in Merlin’s eyes and in his face Arthur had gasped. He had actually done it so forcefully that Percival turned to him.  
“You all right, mate?” Percival asked in a quiet tone.  
Arthur nodded. When Percival got no other response he moved forward to see what had elicited such a reaction from Arthur and Percival, for the first time since they’d ever met, let out a laugh. A full bellied, truly amused laugh that dwindled in a matter of seconds.  
His eyes were full of mirth when he clapped Arthur on the back. “And there goes the light bulb in that thick skull.”  
Arthur was aware of the absolute destruction of all his sense when he noticed that picture.  
Arthur was fucked, but as he looked at the photo, that was now on the wall with at least thirty other photos he realized he did not give a single damn about the consequences of this.

* * *

**_Winter_ **

 

 

Merlin spent his Christmas with his parents and drank hot cocoa on the couch with his friends and He could honestly tell people that he had the best year in a long while. He felt good, something about the holidays made him feel so much better. It also made him notice how much he missed Arthur. Other years it had been easy, because he had school to distract him, but as he left school and led his own nice and quiet life he was finally given, against his will, more opportunities to think about Arthur and think about a lot of things that normal he would put off with other things, but unfortunately he could no longer pass them off. It had been fine on Christmas though, he had been getting closer to Balinor and had introduced him to Gaius and they all got along swimmingly and Gaius had congratulated him on his business and things had been almost perfect.  
On the beginning of the new year Morgana busted into his room and threw him into his computer chair at one in the morning as he was just getting back from a party.  
“Merlin, sit down right now!”  
He looked up at her. “Morgana, what the hell?”  
She looked at his hair. “Good thing you dressed up earlier, you won’t need much work. Now, where is your computer?”  
Merlin pointed his finger at the computer right next to him.  
She switched it on and logged onto his Skype application.  
He looked at her. “Morgan! What the hell are you doing?!”  
Just as he said that she clicked something and a screen appeared.

A screen.

And Arthur Pendragon was on the other side of that screen.

Arthur Pendragon.

He was on the screen.

Arthur chuckled at Merlin’s shocked face and Morgana slipped out of the room silently.  
“You. . . I. . .” Merlin stuttered.  
Arthur smiled. “Yes, Morgana told me your birthday was on January third and I figured I’d give you an early present since you probably don’t get too many of them.” Arthur felt his chest beating loudly beating and his stomach felt as if it was inverting and it was glorious. It was all fantastic if he got to see Merlin.  
Merlin looked at him, took in the details of his face and his eyes, and Merlin was in love. Merlin looked into those eyes and if he could force himself through that computer screen to be closer to Arthur he would have.  
“I missed you.” The words left his mouth before he could stop them and before he could apologize repeatedly he was granted with a wide smile that flashed alabaster teeth.  
“I missed you, too.” Arthur said, and said it in such an honest tone Merlin was almost positive he’d be able to get off on that voice alone.  
Time and puberty had worn down Arthur’s face and now his cheekbones were more prominent, his facial features a bit tougher, and his voice was a loud rumble in the back of his throat and Merlin loved it.  
He loved looking at Arthur and talking to Arthur and just loved.  
He wondered if it would stay that way when Arthur came back, if they would look at each other the way they did not and still see the same things. Merlin vehemently hoped so.  
Arthur looked at Merlin and knew. His mother's words rang in his ear. _Soulmate. Destiny. True Love._ And when they talked for more than three hours and finally said good-bye to each other after speaking themselves hoarse it meant something more.

“Good night, Arthur.” **_I miss you, Arthur. I love you._**

“Good night, Merlin.” **_I miss you, Merlin. I love you, too._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that was hella nice, now we're heading towards the last two years and lots of stuff happens, as per usual.  
> Also, I might add bonus chapters, let me know what you think of that in the comments


	9. Stranded In the Isle of Paradise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> crazy subplot is crazy.  
> I'll be adding a two part epilogue just because after the next chapter.  
> Anywho, I'll be adding some extra chapters or works to this universe. I don't think I'm ready to part with it just yet and if you like it just leave kudos, rate, or a comment. (:  
> Enjoy!

**_Spring_ **

 

The flowers blew lightly in the cool breeze in the little window box that Merlin owned outside of the flat. In February Hunith had told her son that she and Balinor were going to marry. Ealdor had been too bustling a city for Balinor and they had decided to move to a quiet suburb while they lived out their days. Merlin had been upset to see his parents leave, but found that the little cottage they resided in was comfortable, and so he was happy for them. He visited often, and his favourite place was a small area in their never-ending and confusing garden. In that little area stood a single, comfortable bench, and on weekends when he stayed, they would all sit there until the sun went down.  
As a result of this quick move Hunith asked if Merlin could move into the flat, just to be subletted and then he’d decide if he wanted to stay. Merlin agreed quickly and within the month of April he had all of his things moved in along with Gwaine’s.

Gwaine and Merlin had lived together for only a few months and it was mostly because when Gwaine couldn’t find a job he crashed with Merlin when he couldn’t pay rent. Eventually Merlin just told him to stay, and he never left. In the past year since meeting Percival Merlin noticed a change in him. It was a slight change but it was there and it left Merlin with a smirk on his lips.

Merlin noted this when they were both sitting and having tea and Gwaine had a letter in his hand.

“If someone had told me months ago that he’d actually respond I would’ve laughed myself into a coma.” Merlin said with a smirk.

Gwaine kicked him under the table. “Oh shut it, you’re one to talk. It’s been what, four years now?”

Merlin nodded with a big smile. “Yep. He’ll be coming home next year.”

Gwaine winked at him. “Then the real fun begins.”

In turn, Merlin kicked him under the table and they went about the rest of their tea quietly.

In the afternoon Merlin had three sessions and but the time it reached supper time he had been teaching six different students. He was proud of their work, and proud of his ability to show them their potential. As he worked, and his bank account filled Merlin grew more confident that this would be what he spent the rest of his life doing. He’d had shining reviews from magazines and papers that had talked about the resident tutor for all beings magical near the heart of London. He was proud of what he did and was content to believe that it would be what he did for work. He especially liked sitting on the roof he hadn’t had the liberty of being on for almost two years.

The roof almost touched with the one across from it and Merlin had spent so many days since his move wondering why it hadn’t touched, or why the builders built it that way.

Merlin loved that room and that roof because of the memories he had, that he shared, the things he’d said there and that night. That single night, which seemed so long ago now that he was twenty, with a flatmate and a job, and even, after so much worrying, a boyfriend.

He remembered it that afternoon as his last client and student left. He sat on the sill with Gwaine and they just watched the cloudy, moving sky as it blended the afternoon into twilight.

“Did you ever see your life going in this direction?” Gwaine asked, with a smirk and a quizzical eyebrow raised.

“Honestly? No. I thought I’d be stuck here, doing some boring thing, while I ate boring chips, and watched boring telly, and just . . . lived a boring life. I’m not stuck anymore, I feel like I belong here.”

Gwaine nodded. “And what about traveling?”

Merlin smirked. “I have kids from all over the world coming to me and giving me gifts from their lands. I hardly need traveling. Besides, I have enough money now to go anywhere I want.”

Gwaine looked at the peculiar roofs, the ones that _almost_ touched, but didn’t. It felt so strange, looking at them. Gwaine got a strange sense that perhaps they wanted to touch, but simply couldn’t.

He pointed to the very narrow opening between them. “I think that these two roofs weren’t meant to touch for a reason.”

Merlin nodded. “Perhaps.”

Gwaine nodded and plopped down on his back on the roof. “Merlin?”

Merlin looked at him. “Yes?”

“I’m not sure I know what to do.”

Merlin looked him in the eyes and when Gwaine returned the penetrative gaze Merlin so much worry and uncertainty in his eyes. Their friends had all gotten jobs by now; Gwen had joined with Morgana to use Morgana’s trust fund to start an outreach program, Will had entered into teaching troubled youth how to box, Mordred was working as a PA to Magic Federation, and that left Gwaine the only one with no idea of what he wanted to do. Merlin had an inkling that perhaps Gwaine was upset because he was a normal human being but along with that possessed no extremely redeeming qualities.

Merlin looked at him softly and looked at the city from his vantage point and he saw an endless earth. “Well what do you want? What are you good at?”

Gwaine sighed. “I don’t know. I suppose I’m good at culinary, but other than that I have nothing really.”

Merlin sat there for a long time before he grinned at Gwaine.

Gwaine had saw that smile every single time Merlin proposed an idea that was definitely reaching for the stars.

Merlin sat next to him. “How do you feel about pastry shops?”

Gwaine immediately nodded his head. “Oh no! No. No. No. No, Merlin. I absolutely refuse!”

Merlin groaned. “But Gwaine, I have the money, you have the skills, and the business management degree! Gwaine, please.”

Gwaine nodded. “Merlin, I’m not letting you waste your money on this. It may not even succeed!”

Merlin looked at him. “Gwaine, I have almost a hundred thousand pounds in my account. Giving you perhaps five thousand of those is hardly going to damage my lifestyle. Let me help you. Please, Gwaine.” Merlin’s eyes never wavered and Gwaine felt himself waning.

“I just can’t, Merlin. I can’t ask that of you.”

“That’s why you don’t have to! I’m _offering_!” Merlin said in a vehement tone.

Gwaine looked over at his friend and the moment he held out his hand he knew he’d lost. “Gah, fine. Fine!”

Merlin gave him a wide smile and the moment that their hands met their pact was sealed.

 

 

Rain didn’t drizzle in South America during the spring, it poured. It rained for three days and three nights in March and Arthur was surprised that people still found themselves able to function and go about their business in weather that was so extreme. On these days Arthur’s group of workers, Leon, Percival, Helena, and Lance, were not allowed to build or do anything really. So they stayed in, leaving only to get food or some other necessity. IN those three days they all talked quietly in the living room, or they’d wrote their letters together.

As his, and his friends’, time in South America was coming to an end next year he could hardly think of what was going to happen to him, his family, or Merlin. Arthur had written regular letters to his father and his father had been kind and had offered support. If Arthur hadn’t known that Merlin had talked to his father he would’ve been very worried, but as it was, Arthur was glad he had changed. He offered Arthur the option to set up his things before he got back in London and Arthur had accepted. Arthur had chosen his old home. That flat that Arthur had lived in before being dragged away to a future he hadn’t known he’d be grateful for. He still held a bit of resentment for the fact that his father had done it without his consent but having carried it out until almost the very end he was surprised that his father had been partially right about this.

Before Arthur had been shipped away he’d worry about petty things, inconsequential things that didn’t really matter. Before this trip he had been insensitive about the situation of others and now it was different. He was different. He rewarded some of that change to Merlin. Merlin. The name, Arthur was surprised to say, had become very important. In the past couple of months that passed that Christmas call Arthur had been quick to act. He was proud to say that after being a complete dolt Merlin told him he’d be his partner. As the fourth year began to pass Arthur reflected a lot on the things that he wanted and things that he thought might change.

One day in May, towards the end of the rainfall season, during a soft rainfall, Arthur was reflecting upon these things as they were helping some children away from an area where there was a dangerous possibility of a landslide.

Thinking about Merlin sent him falling, literally. He had seen one little girl about to fall and had raced to save her and just in time he tossed her to Percival who caught her. Arthur remembered smiling before the wet dirt and sand shifted and he was being taken off his feet. He remembered hear cries and shouts and then everything went black.

* * *

 

**_Summer_ **

 

Merlin couldn’t eat a whole meal for three months since May. He still had students but he asked them to please understand that he had to keep his sessions more professional. This had not tampered service or income, but all of his students and clients had been more than understanding. When he was not teaching he was sitting on the roof. He’d stare for endless hours at the room across from him and replayed the life he’d once lived.

Gwaine and Will came out to sit with him one night towards the end of July and continued staring, as if waiting for him to say something.

He felt like crying, and perhaps he might have, if he hadn’t spend that first two weeks doing it all day.

“They still haven’t found the body.”

Will sighed heavily and put his hand around Merlin. “There’s nothing you can do, mate.”

Merlin shot him a fierce look. “That’s what got me in this mess to begin with. I was supposed to protect him! What good is my magic if I couldn’t do the one thing I was born to do?!” And at this point he shed tears.

Will held him as he sobbed and he felt weak. Not physically weak, which he was, but he felt weak down to his bones and every fibre of his being. He had failed to follow through on the single vow he’d made with himself since he was sixteen. He had failed and Arthur was possibly dead somewhere, buried by dirt and rocks and debris.

Merlin let out a small cry. “I was supposed to protect him. He was my soul mate.”

Gwaine looked at his and rubbed circles into his back. “It’ll be all right, Merlin.”

Merlin doubted that.

 

When he went to visit his mother and father during the weekend he walked by the small lake by their cottage and just stared at the ripples in the water. He didn’t find he could care about the heat or the sun as it beat down on him in rays and left him with a tint in his cheeks. His father walked up to him as he faced the lake.

His father put a hand on his shoulder. “It isn’t your fault, Merlin. You must know that.”

Merlin continued looking at the water, as if he could find secrets or salvation in it. “I know.”

Balinor looked at him, so distressed that his son was in pain and he had never seen him like this. In the year that followed their meeting Balinor saw him in some bad days but never ones of this magnitude. “Son, perhaps I can ease your mind.”

Balinor held out his hand. “Take my hand, and together, we can sense if Arthur is still alive. It is Old Magic and cannot tell you where they are, but it does assure their essence is still with us.”

Merlin took both of his hands and sighed sadly. “Okay.”

As Balinor and he chanted in time with each other Merlin felt a buzzing, it reverberated in his hands and he saw faint images of Arthur passing through his mind and the buzzing was soft, very faint, but it was buzzing constantly and Merlin felt him, felt all that Arthur was in his body. Arthur was alive.

Merlin withdrew his hands with a gasp. He looked at his father with a huge smile and let out a breathy laugh. “He’s alive!”

He let out a wet laugh, as there were tears forming in his eyes. “He’ll live!”

Balinor smiled at him. “Perhaps you’ll have to live enough for both of you in hopes that he does.”

Merlin reached around him and hugged him, much to Balinor’s surprise, but hugged him back all the same.

 

“I don’t give a damn what resources you need to use, find my son!” Uther almost screamed into the receiver.

Merlin moved silently into his study. “Hello, Mr. Pendragon.”

Uther whirled around and for a moment there was anger in his eyes but then it was tampered and replaced with exhaustion. “”Oh, hello Merlin. Is there something I can do for you?”

Merlin sat down in the seat across from Uther’s desk while Uther continued to stand by the window. Merlin somehow knew that this had happened before. Merlin was all too aware of the history of his partner’s family. Arthur had told him in a few letters that his mother had been lost when she gave birth to him. Merlin had thought that perhaps Uther was so vehement to get Arthur back because he couldn’t lose his family, not a second time.

Merlin sat up straight and spoke softly. “Arthur is alive, sir.”

Uther turned to him before the sentence even left his lips. “What do you have to base this off of?”

Merlin shrugged. “I. . . I mean, my father and I used his Old Magic to search for Arthur’s spirit and essence and while it was faint, it was there. I felt him.”

Uther let out a shaky sigh. “Oh. . . Oh, thank god.”

Merlin looked at him softly. “I’ll see what I can do about finding him, but let your search parties know that he is alive.”

Uther nodded and when he pulled out his mobile Merlin took it as his queue to leave.

Merlin closed the study door softly and Morgana was there to greet him. “Is it true? Is he alive?”

Merlin nodded, with a bit of worry in his brow. “Yes, Balinor and I used Old Magic to find him. His spirit is faint, but he’s alive.”

Morgana’s hand flew to her chest. “Oh. . . Oh thank the gods. I hope they find him soon.”

So did Merlin.

 

 

Arthur couldn’t tell you how long he’d been lost. He had fallen and had woken up to sun shining through a canopy of trees. He had been surrounded by animals when he awoke and was surprised more than not that he was alive. Since that moment he’d been wandering aimlessly for what felt like years. He’d gotten food from the familiar foods and juices he’d seen back at his base and while he was not exactly starving it had been a long time, he was stranded, and he was sure that his friends were worried. And Merlin. Arthur was so sure Merlin must be frantic, or perhaps they thought he was dead. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been gone and hoped that it was not long enough to cause panic. Arthur kept walking, hoping to find someone or something that could take him back. Take him back to Merlin. He was not inclined to panic, as he knew it wouldn’t helped but after endless days and nights he sat against a stump and let out a frustrated cry. He didn’t care about the things he missed, he wanted Merlin. He wanted to go back to him and he wanted to be alive to do it. Arthur’s feet ached and his head felt dizzy and he’d encountered and endless amount of dangerous animals and fought them off.

He had tried to find a river to follow but there was nothing, and he was stranded.

Arthur had no idea the day or the week, or even the month but soon he was coming down with a fever. His head was hot and he felt himself sweating more than normal even under the summer sun and he sat down by a tree, just tired of being lost.

He was staring at the sky through the tall canopy of trees when he passed out. All that came to mind was Merlin. _Merlin. Going back. Come back to Merlin. I’ll come back._

* * *

 

**_Fall_ **

 

As July turned into August and August turned into September Merlin grew more worried. His friends had been supportive and his life continued on, but he was worried. They hadn’t found Arthur and Merlin felt himself slowly lose hope in him being alive.

It was the beginning of October when Morgana showed up at his flat. She offered a small smile, a cup of coffee, and a brown paper bag that Merlin suspected was take-away.

They sat quietly as Gwaine was out at work, running the pastry shop down the street.

When the cartons were emptied and Merlin had eaten a bit more at Morgana’s request she settled back and looked at him. “You’re worried about him.”

It wasn’t a question but simply a statement she didn’t think could be contradicted.

“Of course I’m worried, Morgana. He’s been missing for almost six months. No one’s seen him and no one has leads. I can’t go to South America and find him and I just. . . I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something but I’m sitting here, living this abysmal life while he’s probably starving. . . Or dead.”

Morgana furrowed her brow. “But you said he was alive, last week when you searched for him again.”

Merlin put his head in his hands. “He is. But the trace gets weaker. He’s getting weaker. I can’t save him and he’s slowly dying.”

Morgana sighed and got up. “Come on, let’s go to the roof.”

They sat back on the roof as the gray clouds blended with the late autumn sun and Merlin sighed.

Morgana looked at the clouds that got darker as the day closed in on itself. “I think you need to be strong. It won’t do for him to feel you giving up on him.”

Merlin closed his eyes, trying to hold off the tears that came more easily as the days when by and Arthur faded.

“He’s my soul mate.”

Morgana nodded.

“I know.” She said quietly.

Merlin looked at the sky when he finally opened his eyes. “We were going to live long, and he was going to be one of the greatest men to ever live. I was destined to help him realize that he would be a great man one day. A man people would remember.”

He looked at Morgana and she couldn’t stand the pain in his eyes.

“He was going to be a ruler and now he’s just a man who was too good and no one will ever remember him.”

Morgana looked up at the sky, unable to look into Merlin’s eyes. They watched the day turn to night, watched the light get enveloped by darkness.

The stars that seemed so bright before seemed dull without Arthur. Morgana had watched her father frantically search for him. He’d even left for a month and came home, exhausted, broken, and upset. She watched as people like Gwaine, Gwen, and even Will were affected by it. They all felt what it was like without him and they hadn’t even met him yet. Arthur had invariably touched the lives of those around him and those who had heard of him and Morgana was positive he would not be forgotten.

“You’re wrong, you know.” Morgana said to Merlin in the quiet of the roof, as the cars zoomed and people walked briskly in the background of the city they loved.

Morgana looked at the stars and using magic she used shimmering lights and spark to show Merlin an outline of Arthur, smiling.

“We’ll remember him. And it will be enough.”

 

 

 

Arthur had gotten a bit better by the time that it began to be another heavy rain season in the forest he was lost in. He used herbal remedies and juices he found in the wild to tamper the fever. But slowly he got weaker and as he fell asleep in the forest after the endless days he spent walking he no longer prayed that he made it back to Merlin, but that this ended. He wished this labyrinth of pain and suffering ended and he went to sleep hoping he didn’t wake up.

Perhaps it was the fever that told him to think these things but after the endless days it seemed like it would have been a blessing to be released from this maze that he was in. When he woke up he was greeted by the sun and he got up, stumbled a bit, and continued walking in the rain. Nothing was familiar anymore and everything seemed strange and lost and he feared that he’d die a lost man. As the day when on and rain came and went he felt he was on his last legs. He was getting inevitably weaker and at what would have been sunset he passed out. His last thought was Merlin.

 _Return to him_ , a voice told him. _Return._

 

He woke up to beeping. It was a loud beeping and while he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, open his eyes, he felt what had to have been soft cotton underneath him. He was sure he’d died, that Death had been kind and given him mercy after the hell he’d had to endure in that godforsaken forest.

He had believed that until he heard voices, voices that spoke English, and were speaking about him.

“The patient’s stabilized, his fever is going down but he’ll live. Although we still haven’t been able to identify him.”

Arthur’s eyes shot opened and the people who were caring for him jumped back.

He quickly sat up and looked around him at the sterile hospital room. “Where am I? What am I doing here?!”

He never thought he’d see lights again, or be in a cool bed, or have food, honest to god food. He wanted to cry in joy, but he was too tired, too worn, and too confused to do anything but stare at the man and woman who stared back at him.

The woman moved forward carefully and made him lay back in his bed. “You’re in the Guatemalan national hospital. I’m a scientist, Maria Borrego. We found you on the edge of the Amazon rainforest on an exhibition and we carried you back here, as you owned something from Guatemala and you were dying from a very intense fever.”

The man stood beside her. “I am doctor Luis Imelda. I was with her at the time and we’ve managed to tamper your fever. But I must ask, young man. How did you end up there?”

Arthur groaned, he was in the country he needed to be but the national hospital was more than six hours away from the village he needed to be in. He looked up at them. “I am working with the Pendragon company, a few hours away from here. We were rescuing children from a collapsing building and I was taken by a mudslide.”

Both nodded as though they understood the common occurrence.

The woman, Maria, looked at him and soon gave him a smile. “Well you still have a fever, so you must stay here, and you’ll be staying for more than a month because you’ve contracted a few viruses from your little adventure.”

Arthur’s eyes widened but Luis spoke up softly. “It’s nothing fatal, but we just need to run some tests, and if you have a virus we haven’t yet discovered then it could be of great use to us. Will you agree to this?”

Arthur was just satisfied to be alive, to be able to consider the fact that he’d go home once this was all over.

Merlin. He’d returned to Merlin.

* * *

 

**_Winter_ **

 

Six months passed into nine and Merlin no longer felt like holding hope. He’d sat by his window for endless days and he ate less again and his clients and students still came and he still taught but it felt mechanic, like he was no longer part of his body. He lived, and he tried to eat and breathe and move, but couldn’t.

His friends had been unwaveringly loyal and had just kept him company. They never demanded fake smiles, or forced laughter. They simply demanded that he live. And he did. He lived quietly, in melancholy for days on end. Gaius had visited him often, giving him kind words and offering a shoulder and Merlin took it and Merlin took any support he could get because it was hard. It was hard holding out for someone who may not even be there anymore. He stopped checking for Arthur in November and as November passed into December he found that it was the worst Christmas season of his life. He left the house once, on the fifteenth to get presents and when he saw a dragon’s emblem hanging on a flag in a store window he promptly burst into tears and stayed in his home with cocoa, watching crap telly and crying whenever he saw someone with blond hair. He ordered all of his gifts online and had come to regret the fact that Gwaine had arranged a small gathering in their flat for Christmas.

On the morning of Christmas Eve he looked at the last letter Arthur had sent him. It was dated April 23. He read it over and over again and he only read the words: ** _I leave soon. We’ll spend the rest of our lives together. You’re my soul mate, and I know that you know. I have to go, but I’ll follow you. Anywhere._**

 

Merlin held the letter and let out a few tears. He wiped his face, gathered his presents, and later went out of his room the greet his friends. They all smiled at him, warm, genuine, happy smiles. These smiles were what lifted Merlin. He had been so worried about Arthur, about losing him, that he’d had failed to notice that his friends had to watch as they lost him as well, lost him to grief. He saw their faces, shining at him, and while Arthur may not have been living, or even if he was, Merlin knew he had to live. He gave them each a small smile and sat next to Gwaine and Mordred, who both put hands on his back and offered comfort.

As they talked and laughed and ate and drank Merlin slowly felt the cloud shift and he was sure that while he’d had the right to be sad he also had the right to be unerringly happy. He tried very hard to be such and found it wasn’t that hard at all.

 

On January 2nd  Merlin got up slowly out of bed and went to have breakfast with Gwaine. He did not find Gwaine in his kitchen. Instead he found Gwaine, Morgana, and a well built man with slightly long sandy hair. They all had shocked, solemn faces on and Merlin’s breath hitched. He’d waited for this, he’d known that this precise moment was to come soon, but he couldn’t believe that it had arrived. He sat down in the chair and looked up at them, willing them to say what he knew they already would.

“What’s wrong?” His mind prayed against everything that they didn’t say the words he knew would come.

Morgana let out a huff of deranged laughter and Merlin looked up and she was smiling greatly and there were tears in her eyes. “They found him, Merlin. He’s in London! He’s alive!”


	10. The Absence of You

Arthur had been taken back to his base in the village after two and a half months. The ambulance that he had taken with the doctors had ridden slowly and after having a sufficient time to rest and recover from his ordeal he figured it was a moot point. He was still a bit weak from having been starving for more than half a year and having a fever and the dark circles remained under his eyes as he couldn’t sleep at night, scared that being rescued had been a dream.

They arrived and while he was on a gurney he hobbled off of it and was greeted by his friends standing in front of the ambulance with worried eyes and then shocked faces when they saw he was alive and standing, although it was more like he weakly leaned on to the support of a cane.

Helena tackled him and almost knocked him over while having knocked the breath out of him.

“Oh, Arthur! We’ve been so worried!” She exclaimed in his ear and he melted into her touch, so happy to hear a familiar voice, and feel a familiar person and the sheer warmth of her touch was enough to dissolve his worn body.

Slowly Percival and Lance and Leon walked up to him and gave him hugs and they carried him to his room. His room, where everything was exactly as it had been last May. He walked up to the bed and was surprised to find that the sheets were well washed and softer than before. He was touched that his friends had kept it, even without knowing whether or not he’d come back. He lay careful on the soft bed, looked over at those pictures of Merlin, and closed his eyes.

He fell asleep but before he knew it he was being awoken and he heard whizzing above him and realized that he and his friends were on a plane. He looked over at Helena and she looked softly at him. “We’re going back to Britain. Your father thought it would be best for your fever and weak state.”

Arthur nodded slowly. His father.

“What was my father doing while I was gone?”

Lance looked over at him from across the aisle. “Surprisingly, he actually _helped._ He even went into the forest for a few weeks. We’ve all been very worried.”

Arthur nodded. Against his best intentions he was secretly pleased that his father had actually gotten his hands dirty, tried to look for him, and had worried. Arthur had always been convinced that his father would have been indifferent had anything happened to him, but in the past year there had been proof that he was working to show that it wasn’t true, that he cared about what happened to his children. This was the final trial Arthur hoped he’d have to face to show that he cared, that Arthur mattered to him. Arthur believed his father had gotten better at that and he was even surprised that as they took the very long trip and his bones ached from his hardships he was even excited to see his father.

“What happened to Merlin?” Arthur asked no one in particular after more than four hours had passed on the plane.

Percival looked up. “We all wrote him, kept him in touch as he couldn’t come here, what with his business and his parents. He’s been worried and we haven’t been able to tell him that we’re going back.”

Arthur looked at Leon sitting next to him. “Will you go to my sister and go tell him when we touch down?”

Leon nodded silently and they all went back to their respective windows. When they touched down Leon disappeared to go do as he was told and all of his friends followed behind the ambulance waiting for him in a car. He had fallen asleep on the way to the hospital with the jetlag suddenly enveloping him.

 

He awoke to beeping once again and also his father and sister sitting on each side of him.

He slowly looked over at his father and his father’s eyes were bloodshot.

“Father, I-”

Uther held up his hand. “No. You didn’t do anything. You have nothing to be faulted for. It was all my doing. I had difficulty accepting you and I sent you away and if I had just listened to you none of this would have happened.”

Arthur stared at him for a moment. “But I’m glad it happened. I mean, sure I almost died, but I had the best time of my life before that.”

Uther took Arthur’s hand and just bowed beside his bedside. “I’m so sorry.”

Arthur lifted his hand to force his father to look at him. Arthur wasn’t sure what he should have said, there was so much that could have been said, so much they hadn’t yet said but had needed to. He sat there, looking into the eyes of a man who had tried his hardest when the one person he loved most had been taken away from him, leaving him with no knowledge, no love, and a future he hadn’t predicted. Arthur saw compassion for the first time in those eyes, but he also saw regret, gut-wrenching and everlasting regret for a decision that could have destroyed his happiness. Or at least what had been left of it after Ygraine died.

Arthur looked into those eyes and knew exactly needed to be said as he stared at his father from a hospital bed.

“I forgive you.”

And so much stronger than I love you those words had shaken Uther and he looked at his son as if he was just seeing him for the first time and everything shined and was brilliant and the world was illuminated and he could see all that his son was and all that he could be and all that he ever had been and his son was brilliant. He couldn’t believe the years wasted missing someone when she had not been gone at all, she’d just been hiding in his son and he saw those eyes, Ygraine’s eyes, and was so proud to look at him and have his forgiveness and they just stared, mutual affection, respect, and devotion evident in the air around them.

Uther hugged his son awkwardly from his bed, kissed his forehead like he had done in what felt like another lifetime, and walked out.

Morgana smiled at him from his right side when the door closed and she held his face in her hands.

“Oh I’m so glad to see you here, to see you sitting here, alive.”

He put one hand over hers and smiled weakly. “So am I.”

Morgana sat next to him and looked at him with cautious eyes and a soft expression. “What was it like?”

Arthur let out a shaky sighed and Morgana quickly put a hand in his. “You don’t have to tell me.”

He nodded. “No it’s. . . It’s fine.”

He spoke slowly after a moment.

“It was . . . horrifying. I was terrified. The days blended together and I wasn’t even sure if I was alive, and at some point I wished I wasn’t just so I could get away from the hell hole. I’m surprised I lived.”

Morgana had tears in her eyes and she hugged him. “I’m so glad you did. Oh god, I’ve missed you.”

Arthur hugged her back and smelled her shampoo and felt her hair, her warmth, and her love and Arthur had missed everything so much and hadn’t realized until he saw them again and had been surged with this big great _Missing_ and it swallowed him whole and he was so happy to have been found.

 

After talking to her for about an hour Morgana looked at the door and looked back at Arthur with a look of unease.

“Arthur, Merlin came with me.”

“No, Morgana. Absolutely not. He’s not going to see me like this. I will not let him see me like this.” Arthur protested vehemently.

He refused to let Merlin, after almost a year of worrying, see him lying in a hospital bed, connected to tubes, barely just getting out of bed, not able to sleep, and so weak. Arthur refused.

Morgana frowned and looked at him sadly. “Arthur please, he’s been a right mess.”

Arthur closed his eyes, trying to fight the tears coming into his eyes. “How bad was it?”

Morgana hesitated and bit her lip. “He took it bad; it was bad for all of us.”

Arthur’s jaw tightened. “How. Bad. Was. It?”

Morgana slumped against her seat. “He. . . The first month he canceled all his appointments and cried for two weeks. H-He hasn’t eaten a full meal in seven months and he just. . . He’s upset, Arthur, he was in love with you.”

Arthur’s fist clenched.

“Let him in.”

His eyes were still closed as he heard the room’s door open and shut and his eyes flew open when he heard the door open and a gasp.

He was met with an incredulous Merlin standing in the doorway and no one else, perhaps giving them their privacy.

Merlin’s brow furrowed as if he was confused but his eyes had tears in them. He had almost not believed when Morgana and Leon and Gwaine had told him that Arthur was in a hospital bed, awake and had told them to prove it. He had expecting to see Arthur in a much worse state, but he still looked weak and Merlin was so happy to see him, so happy to see his blue eyes and blond hair and square jaw and just _him_. But he was also so furious, so mad that Arthur had thrown himself into a dangerous situation without thinking about others and Merlin wasn’t sure what he felt but he was not excepting the words that flew from his mouth. And judging from Arthur’s brow, Arthur had not expecting them either.

“You absolute prat!”

Arthur just stared at him for a moment, confused.

Merlin strode forward, the door closing behind him as he let his tongue fly. “Oh you complete idiot! How could you be so stupid to do something like that?! And you had me worried out of my bloody mind, you did! Oh you pompous and arrogant- GAH! I’m not even sure what to call you! You just, you’re not invincible, Arthur! Do well to remember that!”

And after his speech had run out and he heaved a breath in and out Arthur smiled weakly at him and Merlin knew he was gone right then.

“I missed you too, Merlin.”

Merlin leaned over him. “Ugh, you clot pole. I missed you more, believe me.”

And they kissed and Merlin was so glad he was home, so glad they were home, with each other.

When he pulled away Merlin had tears running down his face and Arthur stared into his eyes, trying to find what had made him so upset but he found nothing.

“What is it, Merlin? What’s wrong?” Arthur asked.

Merlin let out a wet laughed that Arthur thought was a cross between a sob and a laugh. “I never thought I’d see you again. We’d all thought you’d died. Oh god, I thought I’d never see your face again.”

Arthur held him by his cheek and by the crevice where his shoulder and his neck met and heat surged through them at the contact. “I never would have left without a good-bye, Merlin.”

Merlin smiled and chuckled and kissed Arthur on his cheeks and his eyelids and his temple and his forehead and was so happy that Arthur wasn’t a dream, that he was solid, warm, _alive_.

Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur and the only way he could have described it was like he was coming home. Finally and truly, coming home.

 

 

He spent the rest of that day talking to Merlin and when it was time for him to leave Uther had gotten the staff to allow him to stay. As Arthur fell asleep he asked Merlin to climb into the small bed and they clung to each other and whispered to each other until dawn came and they drifted into light sleep.

They woke up to a loud obnoxious horn blaring and Merlin hadn’t even needed to open his eyes to know it was Gwaine and Will.

“Rise and shine, love birds!” Gwaine chirped loudly.

Arthur and Merlin stirred and Merlin hopped off the bed but Arthur gripped his wrist and pulled him to sit at the edge of his bed.

They both glared at Will and Gwaine.

Will grunted as he eyed Arthur. “So this is the man. Can’t say I’m surprised, but good on you, Merlin.”

Arthur was positive that would be the highest form of compliments he was ever going to get.

 

 

A week later when Arthur’s fever subsided and he was released from the hospital he didn’t tell Merlin. He checked out with Morgana who gave him sidelong glances as he signed his own paperwork.

“Are you sure about that, though, Arthur?”

“Is the space still vacant?”

“Of course, father keeps that space as a getaway. You knew that already.”

“Well I’m going to buy it off of him today.”

“And you’re not telling Merlin?”

“No, and neither are you, Morgana. You know exactly what I’m going to do.”

She cracked a smile. “Of course I do.”

 

Arthur touched the warm wooden desk and flashbacks from his teen years flew past him. The screaming and protest and the crying and the yelling and Arthur was so glad he’d done it all. He was so glad he’d done it all and every step had been the right one. He was relieved to be alive but also felt strange. It felt strange to revisit their old flat, the one that smelled of dust, but where things remained exactly the same. He just absorbed it and then he walked over to the window. The window, the rooftops.

Those rooftops that leaned towards each other, that had gotten so far yet refused to give in that last push and had been a hair away from touching. People called it an accident but Arthur called it destiny. He sat on the roof and sat and sat and sat until Merlin came out in a huff.

 

Merlin had gone to the hospital to find that Arthur had checked out without telling him. He had slumped against the wall when the woman at the receptionist’s desk had said that she couldn’t give him his information. He had been frustrated and was of the mind to go bother Uther about Arthur but he decided against it and decided that if Arthur wanted to be found he’d come out. Merlin went home and was very frustrated by the ridiculousness of the situation and went out to the roof.

 

They stared at each other for a long time on the roof as they sat apart, separated only by their rooftops, their self imposed distance.

Arthur smiled softly at him, gone were the rings under his eyes, as they had been replaced with his vivid blue eyes. Gone was his weak stature as he sat as straight as a rod and smiled a bright smile at Merlin.

“Hello, Merlin.”

For Arthur it was much harder talking to Merlin in person now. He was real, tangible, and completely feasible. They were there, staring at each other, and Arthur was terrified. Terrified of making the same mistakes he saw everyone make, or to see Merlin leave him and Arthur had no idea what to do with that. He was terrified but he figured he could start at hello.

Merlin chuckled and smiled back. “You did it to surprise me.” It more of a statement rather than a question.

Arthur nodded. “I thought it’d be symbolic.”

Merlin laughed lightly at that. “Believe me, it is.”

They stared at each other until there was a rumble underneath Arthur and he felt the roof shift quickly but before he could move anywhere the roof shifted and leaned forward on the support of the roof across from him and he let out a breath as the movement stopped and Merlin laughed.

He leaned forward and Arthur met him right in the middle. Merlin smiled widely at him. “I love you. I know we never said it, but I do, and I think the universe is tired of us waiting.”

Arthur laughed loudly at that, but he definitely felt the inflation in his chest and he loved Merlin so completely


End file.
